Sitting in the uncomfortable

I will admit and take full accountability that I Fffffd up with a situation, the other day but, was I wrong in how I felt? No. But could I have handled it better? Yes. So why is that I made the wrong choice. . . at that moment, at that time? 

Well…many look past trauma & rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) because these are 2 terms that we hear very often. However, I agree with this IG message in regards to TRAUMA from Kita Rose.

We all are well aware of how trauma can cause us to be triggered by things that have and may harm us. So what we do is use our “fight or flight” response, in order to guard ourselves from harm. 

Now…I titled this entry: sitting in the uncomfortable because I haven’t had anyone to share my recent hardships with, so it can be quite difficult at times to hold onto it all. 

I was VERY angry the other day because tbh, I'm in a place where I’ve done an enormous amount of work, in order to change my life and feel secure BUT my trauma responses have been at an all-time high. Today was the first time that I felt OK in the midst of my hardship. Why and how, you may ask? 

First, I forced myself to go to the studio the morning, to work on a solo that I have to perform this Saturday. I meditated at the top of the morning, then I allowed myself to cry for a moment. . . the owner of the space arrived and simply asked if I was ok, then proceeded to ask me if I needed a hug. 

We often forget of the simplicity of someone showing care, can help change a moment for us. 

After the owner left, I continued to work on my solo and edit my music. And even being deep in poverty, using the small amount of money I have…I granted myself a cup of coffee and a solid meal from the food truck. Then proceeded to go back to the destination that has made me THEE most angry and uncomfortable. Walking up…I always have to prepare my mind, even with a frown underneath my mask because it’s a situation that I can’t change…right now. 

Once inside, I opened up. 

. . . separated my laundry, watched Couples Court on TV (lol) and spoke with a woman I had always been silent around…(low-key I had an attitude about my huge life change), even though she had done nothing wrong. 

I found out she was someone that I needed to have this minimal connection with. Not to mention, worse comes to worse, at least I had a place to rest…in the middle of my day. 

I finally realized that even though, I’m not where I want to be. I've decided to do the performance on Saturday & that this is not the end of my story. 

Yea, I f***ed up yesterday, but at least I have a plan on how to try and make things right again. Whether it’s accepted or not. Who knows? (That’s not for me to determine.) 

And even though, I’m not entirely ok (inside). I still exist for some reason and today I made some progress: I sat in the uncomfortable. 

When was the last time you were uncomfortable?

Are you a PROBLEM or are you a PERSON?

 Ask yourself . . . 

Do 'they' see me as a problem or do 'they' see me as a person?

You may be asking why does it even matter how they view you? Let me tell you that IT MATTERS . . . because YOU MATTER. 

As much as we want to ignore or act as if others' perceptions don't affect us . . . sometimes it does. And the first step in practicing: MINDFULNESS is to acknowledge how we are feeling right?

I'm not a therapist but AM a teacher, who always wants her students to embrace who they are. So I'm sharing with you that if you don't feel like you can always be your authentic self, then you may not be in a safe space, to be a PERSON . . . a human being, who's flawed, but who continues growing every day. 

I would say that you become a "problem," when you aren't aware of yourself when you are not mindful and you don't hold yourself accountable. 

Yes, some situations hurt more than others and trigger us to respond in ways that are unlike our true selves . . . but at the end of the day, do you forgive and forget, or just forgive, or just move on. In my eyes, the latter is the most detrimental because it shows a lack of acknowledgment; there are 2 sides to every story, right? 

And just to be fair . . . let's just answer the initial question: Are you a problem or are you a person? Here's my answer: 

You are a PERSON, a human being who deserves to be loved, accepted, respected, and empathized with. We all have a back story, but are you willing to share yours? Are you willing to forgive your problems?

~ deeply out ❤

SEEN

It's so interesting how much constant experiences of trauma can effect your psyche. From my last encounter, I've started to notice how the smallest things make me fearful or cause me to get irritated. For example, why would sending and receiving emails scare me? 

Because 

the last experiences have been: feeling ignored, invaluble, WRONG, and honestly . . . unloved. And I'm not talking about the quick email bites like following up with someone or spam, or email lists you need to unsucribe from . . . but the emails you've sent to people you either loved or to people you shared your voice with, having to state your case and speak up for yourself.

I'm scared to check my emails. This is not ok. How do you heal from something like that? By blocking, deleting? 

I used to tell myself that I held onto emails, texts and pictures because I was a 'memory hoarder,' but it's actually because It's my evidence . . . that I tried. 

I've read this book called Welcome Home by Najwa Zebian, that shares how we become homeless when we look to find our homes in other people. Within this context it means that I'm always looking at myself as being unlovable and unworthy because that's how IIIIIIIIIIII allowed people to make me feel. It's not that I can't be hurt or feel the pain, but it's that I've given every single person who has "given up on me," the power to define who I am - for me. 

All this to say, trauma is not always physical. My trauma has always be psychological. The fear of checking my emails and merely walking from my seclusion (apt) to the train station, makes me feel seen; Trauma makes you not want to be seen.

When I send an email, I'm seen.

When I walk outside, I'm seen.

When I'm on social media, where people can find my profiles, I'm seen. 

When I go to work, I'm seen. 

Because of trauma . . . I don't want to be seen. 

~ deeply out ❤

#mentalhealthawareness