in my solace

I scour in the night for solace

protecting my bleeding heart

hoping someone hears me

and gives me back my start

I started over today 

and yesterday, and everyday in between

I'm scared as all get out

as scared as one could be

I drink away my sorrows

I sometimes burst into tears

knowing that I have nothing

I am nothing

 . . . this is my fear.

Stay in the game & CHANGE the game or stay in the game & WIN the game?

Today's Inspiration

Could you buy me a day
In your life 
When I'm wearing the clothes 
That you wear, 
And could you give me your dimes for a day 
And just for one day take my place 

See mama says that I am beautiful, yeah 
And I am lovely the way that I am 
But if I am so sweet 
Why won't life 
Just give me 
What you have
What you have 
What you have

Or can I get away with
Being you for a day
Oh I wonder if I can

Put me in a Box 
For a little while
Tomorrow
Take me out, again

Or am I already
As lovely as You
Are you in my window pane
Looking back at me
Saying, Here I am 
Girl,
You're Beautiful

Could be that I am just too afraid
To become who I already am
Could it be that the life 
That was spoken to me
Is indeed in my spirit, man, Oh

Mama said touch the sky with your heels 
And to fly on the wings of the Lord
Could I only believe that 
It is inside of me
To be free
To be free
To be free

Or can I get away with
Being you for a day
Oh I wonder if I can

Put me in a Box 
For a little while
Tomorrow
Take me out, again

Or am I already
As lovely as You
Are you in my window pane
Looking back at me
Saying, Here I am 
Girl,
You're Beautiful

~ Chrisette Michele

____________________

Stay in the game & CHANGE the game or stay in the game & WIN the game?

. . . just STAY

~ deeply out ❤

DANCE, but don't be selfish!

To my dancers, choreographers, and dance teachers:

You're bigger than the pandemic right?

Why aren't friends helping other friends, dancers helping other dancers, trying to keep others safe?

Regarding the Pandemic, I almost got sucked in and "peer pressured" into being around peeps that I know without a mask . . . then, I had to think about it. With my own health . . . my immune system is already compromised. I HAVE to do what others don't do.

When you meet up with people . . . Do you actually know who they've been around . . . before they met up with you? No you do not. Smh We just blindly trust. I know it's tough to gage who to let your guard down for, but at least can we keep distance?

It makes me highly concerned with all the peeps I know . . . meeting up, having rehearsals, shooting dance videos/concept videos, teaching classes and or not keeping distance; Everyone seems to be over it and NO ONE seems to care.

I also found out that a dancer I knew had the virus . . . then jumped right back into rehearsals with no mask. WHAT?!?!

Even if you "don't believe in the virus" - you at least have to have the decency to protect others . . . people like myself . . . with a compromised immune system, meaning someone who could easily get the virus.

Yes, our focus maybe on/IS on our personal lives, voting...we're tired of injustice in this country and the pandemic has ruined our livelihoods, so what do we do? We use DANCE to release all of our emotions.

BUT! we also have to be smart, do the things that we don't want to do (as annoying as wearing a mask is or keeping distance) and consciously deciding to use some damn humanity! Periodt! Stop being selfish because you NEED to dance!

What's best for YOU is to stay safe - don't allow your peers to influence you to do the opposite. 

. . . esp in a public space . . . like the dance studio.

Side note: Are you still washing your hands and using hand sanitizer?

~ deeply out! ❤

I've

I've been waiting for them to accept me

I've been waiting for them to see me . . . again

I've been waiting for them to answer

I've been hoping they would respond

I've been living for them

I've been waiting for them 

I've been wanting them 

I've been needing them

I've been hurt by them

I've been hurting them

I've been honest with them

I've been hiding from them

I've been scared of them

I've been

I've been wanting more

I've been 

I've been unhappy 

I've been in comparison

I've been seeing life as . . . 

I've been. . . not ok

I've been wishing and hoping

I've been thinking it'll change

I've been . . . not myself

I've been 

I've been scared

I've been un-fulfilled

I've been

I've been wide awake 

I've been sleep . . . on myself

I've been an ass

I've been a bitch

I've been insecure

I've been mean

I've been reflecting

I've been in reflection

I've been overwhelmed

I've been dismissed

I've been ignored 

I've been forgotten

I've been invisible

I've been spiteful

I've been angry

I've been figuring this all out

I've been 

I've been filled with regret

I've been existing

I've been conscious

I've been lost

I've been in the background

I've been up and bold

I've been

I've been sad

I've been here . . . sitting in my room

I've been 

Who have you been?

~ deeply out ❤

ANGER

ANGER can destroy everything you've worked for. 

(you can quote me on that)

______________

that anger you can't just shut off

that anger you don't understand how to manage

that anger you believe god ingrained in your being . . . why?

that anger that you wish your parents knew how to handle . . . noticed when you were young. . . assisted you in overcoming it . . . were open to having a conversation regarding it

(Are your parents the catalyst for your anger?) 

that anger you can't afford to get treatment for 

that anger that puts you in the space of . . . have I completely destroyed my life? 

How do I move on with the shadow and memory of anger hanging over your head?

that anger . . . 

. . . that sunlight doesn't cure

that anger that you just can't be forgiven for 

_____________

quick thought: does forgiveness even exist or is it just another word in the dictionary?

______________

my anger has led me to do things that I deeply regret, pushing away people I truly love.

The fucked up thing is . . . I can't truly understand what head space I was in and why I did "that" in the first place?

Now, newly diagnosed with MS - is this the reason for my anger?

yes. we live and we learn. . . BUT 

How are you living when you still have anger?

not the "she made me mad today," deep breath, walk it off, quick fix

the deep-seeded anger

the anger that needs to be healed

How are you LIVE when you're ANGRY?

~ deeply out ❤

You(r) Ar-mor.

Armor is the covering that protects you from harm.

from bullets

from daggers

from just anything right?

but,

The only thing about armor is that it's something that you can wear in your mind, but not accessible on physical demand. Unless . . . you hold 'that' authority.

Usually the armor people wear is with their faith. "The full armor of god." 

but I don't have faith . . . so what is my armor?

my strength?

What my protective layer. Better yet, who?

Who protects you? Who is willing to be your armor?

"You don't know how strong you are, until strength is all you have left." this just popped into my head. . . Who said this? Do you remember?

_____

times are fleeting

thoughts are swift

heart is aching

fists are clenched 

time is racing

life is swift

moments gone

new lessons . . . list

____

Did you know that you are more? more than the harm you feel

more than what harms you

you are more

you armor

your armor is . . . what?

~ deeply out ❤

Nope. I'm not busy.

>>>Writer's Note: this entry is specifically for my and your friends lol<<<

What could we replace the word BUSY with?

The reason I ask is because BUSY just seems to be the go-to word or "I'm busy" is the go-to phrase of the year! Every year. All the time. At any given moment.

Sometimes, I really believe that I'm the only one on the planet that doesn't believe in the word BUSY or the phrase I'M BUSY. 

Really? 

Is it just me?

Yes. I think so.

Most get "mad" at me when I say things like this. 

Why? 

. . . because they truly believe it's a thing.

Here's what I believe . . . 

WE ALL MAKE TIME FOR WHAT WE WANT

unless, you fall into these categories lol

• you have screaming children wrecking havoc in your home
• a needy newborn
• an elderly parent(s) you look after
• you're a caretaker
• you teach other peoples kids, then go home to your own
• you're taking a Self Care day . . . in which you can schedule another time btw

umm, that's about all the categories for now lol 

Look at it this way . . . 

CEOs/Presidents/Directors/Heads/Leads/Managers/Choreographers, etc - can even be less "busy" . . . why? They can delegate, hire assistants and interns. If you want or need to have your hands in everything - that's a choice people. Get where I'm going with this?

If you are a freelancer/artist . . . you know you make your own schedule. Yes, you can have a more intense schedule from time to time or become so heavily immersed in your art, BUT you do/can stop to eat or shit! (oops!) 

Scenario #986

Are you single?

No children?

Have a 9-5?

You reallllllly have some time because you CHOOSE to go take yoga (whatever's your thing), go out to eat/cook dinner, or watch netflix with a glass of wine after a work day . . . get the point?

Moral to the story . . . I read this on my friend's IG page: 

"When someone tells you they are too busy . . . It's not a reflection of their schedule, It's a reflection of your spot on their schedule." BOOM! (mic drop)

This is truth in thee dopest way. 

So, you know what I try to do . . . 

Never ever tell anyone

I'm Busy. . . because I'm not. smh 

side note. Yeah, It is just me: 

I'm single.

No children.

No family.

No job. 

I'm a freelancer . . . I have all thee time in the world!

HIRE ME. marry me. google me. 

I'm not busy. 

FYI - the above things are not by choice. LOL

~ deeply out 💣

SELFISHLY seeking...

...everyday I learn more and more how important it is to be selfish;  I never wanted to be that “type of person.” 

I always wanted to show up for others, to support the ones I have/always had maaaaad love for...sending little messages, giving shoutouts, reaching out when they least expect it, etc BUT...you (I) begin to ask yourself (myself) these questions: 

• What is wanting this connection. . . with this person really about? 
• Are you really getting what you need from these relationships? 
• Do they value you enough to respond, to follow up, to give of their time? Or do they forget about you...more often than not? 
• Do they understand your time, your support? 
• Is the “wanting to be involved so much,” the need to feel valuable...worth the “invaluable” invalidation, heartbreak . . . you often feel deep inside? 

My personal expectations of people are always at an all time high, especially in my personal relationships/friendships/mentorships. 

We all have them though . . . conscious or unconscious expectations. Which leaves me to my last question. . . Are your (my) expectations, the need to feel our (my) own void(s)?

for me

yes

• • •

As I take some time for deep reflection today...I hope you can step out of “busy” for just a moment and think about >>> those relationships and support <<< that you haven’t given enough or as much time to. 

~ moving deeply 🔳