I will admit and take full accountability that I Fffffd up with a situation, the other day but, was I wrong in how I felt? No. But could I have handled it better? Yes. So why is that I made the wrong choice. . . at that moment, at that time?
Well…many look past trauma & rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) because these are 2 terms that we hear very often. However, I agree with this IG message in regards to TRAUMA from Kita Rose.
We all are well aware of how trauma can cause us to be triggered by things that have and may harm us. So what we do is use our “fight or flight” response, in order to guard ourselves from harm.
Now…I titled this entry: sitting in the uncomfortable because I haven’t had anyone to share my recent hardships with, so it can be quite difficult at times to hold onto it all.
I was VERY angry the other day because tbh, I'm in a place where I’ve done an enormous amount of work, in order to change my life and feel secure BUT my trauma responses have been at an all-time high. Today was the first time that I felt OK in the midst of my hardship. Why and how, you may ask?
First, I forced myself to go to the studio the morning, to work on a solo that I have to perform this Saturday. I meditated at the top of the morning, then I allowed myself to cry for a moment. . . the owner of the space arrived and simply asked if I was ok, then proceeded to ask me if I needed a hug.
We often forget of the simplicity of someone showing care, can help change a moment for us.
After the owner left, I continued to work on my solo and edit my music. And even being deep in poverty, using the small amount of money I have…I granted myself a cup of coffee and a solid meal from the food truck. Then proceeded to go back to the destination that has made me THEE most angry and uncomfortable. Walking up…I always have to prepare my mind, even with a frown underneath my mask because it’s a situation that I can’t change…right now.
Once inside, I opened up.
. . . separated my laundry, watched Couples Court on TV (lol) and spoke with a woman I had always been silent around…(low-key I had an attitude about my huge life change), even though she had done nothing wrong.
I found out she was someone that I needed to have this minimal connection with. Not to mention, worse comes to worse, at least I had a place to rest…in the middle of my day.
I finally realized that even though, I’m not where I want to be. I've decided to do the performance on Saturday & that this is not the end of my story.
Yea, I f***ed up yesterday, but at least I have a plan on how to try and make things right again. Whether it’s accepted or not. Who knows? (That’s not for me to determine.)
And even though, I’m not entirely ok (inside). I still exist for some reason and today I made some progress: I sat in the uncomfortable.
When was the last time you were uncomfortable?
