A NEW YEAR?!?! is upon us...

We’re always faced with the toughest challenges once we begin to make changes & a new year is upon us...

It’s like I need to hibernate and stay within my meditative practice all day every damn day, in order to create a bubble around myself or a force field, so that nothing has the chance to affect my mental space or emotional state. 

Because DAMN! 

I put out info re: a D • TOX experience, but tbh I need to make it at least the whole entire month of December so that my protective armor has been formed and all the SHIT that has been affecting me the whole damn year can melt off...like the sun melts off the winter in spring. 

I have turned into an icy bitch! Not cold to the touch or cold in my demeanor, but it’s cold outside and it’s like when the winter hits...October on...shit hits the MF fence! It’s like life is in a complete retrograde and maybe it is and I just don’t know...

Friendships be falling apart, peeps be acting up, peeps be shady, peeps be crazy, I be crazy, peeps be...WTF! Jobs be scarce or gigs coming to an end...& I’m like really? Not in less than a week into the new year. Smh 

So what does this all mean? Layers are coming off...the peeps you don’t need, the jobs you don’t need, you don't need the non-existent gigs that make you recalibrate your life choices, you legit start hiding from the world, you drink more...wine, maybe a lil whiskey or brandy more. You just start doing some off the cuff shit and you’re like...was that me???

Oh and self-reflection is a bitch! You get all in your head and start feeling like shit. Did you shower today? Nope. Did you eat today? Nope. Did even open your blinds yet. Nope. Are you still under the covers? Yes. Here’s the kicker... Are you decompressing from your last disagreement, so you don’t do more damage? 

Well...

Back to the ‘icy bitch.’ Icy I am not. Can I be a BITCH? Yes. But! I’m working on it and just because the universe knows that I’m working on it...I get tested 2day! Did I pass the test? No I did not. 

What’s this blog entry really about???

Layers come off and shit hits the fan before the new year, so we gotta get ready earlier. We gotta figure out what our protective armor is gonna be and last question...how do you stay sane, without paying for therapy. 

Me? 

I meditate.

I write. 

I might even reflect...once the ice has melted. 

~ deeply out ❤

SHIT! my heart is hurt

 some

some make you feel like you're the worst person in the world for the mistakes you made in the past

some

some make you . . . no one makes you right?

I'm not allowed to say that right?

make me

no one can make you do and feel anything

ok

the catalyst to my current feelings

the feelings I've had all night since I read his message

some people

some people act like you're the only one

the only one in this . . . used to be friendship

we used to be . . .

friends

some 

some people make you feel 

like I said before

I say that cause I can

some people make you

ok, cause you to . . . 

that may be better

cause you to feel . . . like shit!

I'm not shit, but I feel like shit!

some people

some people don't forgive

some people forget

I don't forget . . . 

friendship

I remember friendship

what do you remember in your last . . . idk, encounter with someone that caused you to feel . . .

like shit!

some people smh

some people make me write, cause me to write

some people, meaning 1

1 in particular in this entry

but there's been many 1's that 

make/caused me to feel like shit!

I'm not shit!

I've done shitty things . . . at times

but, I'm NOT shit!

He didn't need to capitalize for emphasis

that last message got me

caught me by the throat

I suffocated for a moment . . . 

on the ???

bus, then train

staring off in space

did that just happen?

did I

reach out

AGAIN

I did

but NEVER again

the word never was capitalized twice in this message to me

I lost my breath for a moment

some people, meaning 1 

I don't understand

am I thee only one

who understands that

I'm not shit!

I feel like shit! though

tried and it didn't/never worked

what?

reconciliation.

It barely exists for me

I feel like shit!

do you feel like ?

you don't understand . . . 

shit!, some people, make, cause, message, NEVER again . . . 

SHIT!

~ deeply out ❤

the desire

(written on Dec 1st)

I want

I want to be somebody

I want to be 

I want

I want to - not be

I want

I want someone

I want

I want to see me

I want

I want someone to see me

I want

I never want...

what I have

but...I want

I want to see

I want to

I want me

I want 

I want to know

I want to show

...something that is me

I want to be...

special 

I want 

. . . 

so I write

I write when I'm not having a good day

I write when I feel alone

I write when I'm drinking alone, in the middle of the day

looking out the window... 

to the sunshine, I don't feel 

I write

I write because I want to be someone . . . one day

someone who has

someone who is

someone who ain't . . . that

someone of value

someone of prestige

someone people admire

someone people see

seen

not unseen

not the braille on my chest

conflict 

conflict messaging

conflicting messages 

in distortion 

I write

I write in my feelings

I write to calm down

I write to move forward

...to get through the day

I write    to     accept     ME

all that I am

I write

and I write 

and I write

enough said.

Lurk in Silence

They watch, they sit in silence . . . 

still broken bits

no speech

. . .  from their lips

no "thanks"

not even an emoji kiss

it breaks me

BREAK THE SILENCE!

you "heard me," saw my words, 

why not? 

why - do - I?

do I not deserve?

does it hurt to forgive

& list

those things still trapped inside you

as you peak & as you ponder

you haven't; 

you don't persist

I speak to all those lurking

watching behind the scenes

the ones I reach out to

but still. . . and yet

I'm mean?

Who told you not to speak

that silence is your speech

that meek and minimal words

the voice of the unheard?

[Does my sassiness upset you?

Why are you beset with gloom?

'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells

Pumping in my living room]

~  Maya Angelou - Still I rise

This piece is to help those understand that no one is perfect, everyone makes mistakes . . . 

But if you never express your hurt, what right do you have to consciously dismiss the love of others, their vulnerability to you . . . their accountability and most importantly,

the time they cared & inspired YOU. 

You don't win by your silence.

You win by connecting to your heart, your true self. 

That's confidence!

hate me

rate me

curse me

stare -

dig holes deeper

with desperate glares

make fun

move on

miss me no more

wait and watch

admire me . . . score!

fake the funk 

you silent ones

hold the gun

shoot & run

black me

black one

black girl power

still standing strong

no "give up" hour

For those who feel like I feel sometimes . . . ignored & dismissed

I challenge you to do thee most difficult thing . . . 

continue to spread your LIGHT & your LOVE

accepted or not

#moveDEEPER

(make sure you CLICK on the highlighted sections)

~ deeply out ❤

in my solace

I scour in the night for solace

protecting my bleeding heart

hoping someone hears me

and gives me back my start

I started over today 

and yesterday, and everyday in between

I'm scared as all get out

as scared as one could be

I drink away my sorrows

I sometimes burst into tears

knowing that I have nothing

I am nothing

 . . . this is my fear.

Stay in the game & CHANGE the game or stay in the game & WIN the game?

Today's Inspiration

Could you buy me a day
In your life 
When I'm wearing the clothes 
That you wear, 
And could you give me your dimes for a day 
And just for one day take my place 

See mama says that I am beautiful, yeah 
And I am lovely the way that I am 
But if I am so sweet 
Why won't life 
Just give me 
What you have
What you have 
What you have

Or can I get away with
Being you for a day
Oh I wonder if I can

Put me in a Box 
For a little while
Tomorrow
Take me out, again

Or am I already
As lovely as You
Are you in my window pane
Looking back at me
Saying, Here I am 
Girl,
You're Beautiful

Could be that I am just too afraid
To become who I already am
Could it be that the life 
That was spoken to me
Is indeed in my spirit, man, Oh

Mama said touch the sky with your heels 
And to fly on the wings of the Lord
Could I only believe that 
It is inside of me
To be free
To be free
To be free

Or can I get away with
Being you for a day
Oh I wonder if I can

Put me in a Box 
For a little while
Tomorrow
Take me out, again

Or am I already
As lovely as You
Are you in my window pane
Looking back at me
Saying, Here I am 
Girl,
You're Beautiful

~ Chrisette Michele

____________________

Stay in the game & CHANGE the game or stay in the game & WIN the game?

. . . just STAY

~ deeply out ❤

DANCE, but don't be selfish!

To my dancers, choreographers, and dance teachers:

You're bigger than the pandemic right?

Why aren't friends helping other friends, dancers helping other dancers, trying to keep others safe?

Regarding the Pandemic, I almost got sucked in and "peer pressured" into being around peeps that I know without a mask . . . then, I had to think about it. With my own health . . . my immune system is already compromised. I HAVE to do what others don't do.

When you meet up with people . . . Do you actually know who they've been around . . . before they met up with you? No you do not. Smh We just blindly trust. I know it's tough to gage who to let your guard down for, but at least can we keep distance?

It makes me highly concerned with all the peeps I know . . . meeting up, having rehearsals, shooting dance videos/concept videos, teaching classes and or not keeping distance; Everyone seems to be over it and NO ONE seems to care.

I also found out that a dancer I knew had the virus . . . then jumped right back into rehearsals with no mask. WHAT?!?!

Even if you "don't believe in the virus" - you at least have to have the decency to protect others . . . people like myself . . . with a compromised immune system, meaning someone who could easily get the virus.

Yes, our focus maybe on/IS on our personal lives, voting...we're tired of injustice in this country and the pandemic has ruined our livelihoods, so what do we do? We use DANCE to release all of our emotions.

BUT! we also have to be smart, do the things that we don't want to do (as annoying as wearing a mask is or keeping distance) and consciously deciding to use some damn humanity! Periodt! Stop being selfish because you NEED to dance!

What's best for YOU is to stay safe - don't allow your peers to influence you to do the opposite. 

. . . esp in a public space . . . like the dance studio.

Side note: Are you still washing your hands and using hand sanitizer?

~ deeply out! ❤

I've

I've been waiting for them to accept me

I've been waiting for them to see me . . . again

I've been waiting for them to answer

I've been hoping they would respond

I've been living for them

I've been waiting for them 

I've been wanting them 

I've been needing them

I've been hurt by them

I've been hurting them

I've been honest with them

I've been hiding from them

I've been scared of them

I've been

I've been wanting more

I've been 

I've been unhappy 

I've been in comparison

I've been seeing life as . . . 

I've been. . . not ok

I've been wishing and hoping

I've been thinking it'll change

I've been . . . not myself

I've been 

I've been scared

I've been un-fulfilled

I've been

I've been wide awake 

I've been sleep . . . on myself

I've been an ass

I've been a bitch

I've been insecure

I've been mean

I've been reflecting

I've been in reflection

I've been overwhelmed

I've been dismissed

I've been ignored 

I've been forgotten

I've been invisible

I've been spiteful

I've been angry

I've been figuring this all out

I've been 

I've been filled with regret

I've been existing

I've been conscious

I've been lost

I've been in the background

I've been up and bold

I've been

I've been sad

I've been here . . . sitting in my room

I've been 

Who have you been?

~ deeply out ❤

ANGER

ANGER can destroy everything you've worked for. 

(you can quote me on that)

______________

that anger you can't just shut off

that anger you don't understand how to manage

that anger you believe god ingrained in your being . . . why?

that anger that you wish your parents knew how to handle . . . noticed when you were young. . . assisted you in overcoming it . . . were open to having a conversation regarding it

(Are your parents the catalyst for your anger?) 

that anger you can't afford to get treatment for 

that anger that puts you in the space of . . . have I completely destroyed my life? 

How do I move on with the shadow and memory of anger hanging over your head?

that anger . . . 

. . . that sunlight doesn't cure

that anger that you just can't be forgiven for 

_____________

quick thought: does forgiveness even exist or is it just another word in the dictionary?

______________

my anger has led me to do things that I deeply regret, pushing away people I truly love.

The fucked up thing is . . . I can't truly understand what head space I was in and why I did "that" in the first place?

Now, newly diagnosed with MS - is this the reason for my anger?

yes. we live and we learn. . . BUT 

How are you living when you still have anger?

not the "she made me mad today," deep breath, walk it off, quick fix

the deep-seeded anger

the anger that needs to be healed

How are you LIVE when you're ANGRY?

~ deeply out ❤

You(r) Ar-mor.

Armor is the covering that protects you from harm.

from bullets

from daggers

from just anything right?

but,

The only thing about armor is that it's something that you can wear in your mind, but not accessible on physical demand. Unless . . . you hold 'that' authority.

Usually the armor people wear is with their faith. "The full armor of god." 

but I don't have faith . . . so what is my armor?

my strength?

What my protective layer. Better yet, who?

Who protects you? Who is willing to be your armor?

"You don't know how strong you are, until strength is all you have left." this just popped into my head. . . Who said this? Do you remember?

_____

times are fleeting

thoughts are swift

heart is aching

fists are clenched 

time is racing

life is swift

moments gone

new lessons . . . list

____

Did you know that you are more? more than the harm you feel

more than what harms you

you are more

you armor

your armor is . . . what?

~ deeply out ❤

Nope. I'm not busy.

>>>Writer's Note: this entry is specifically for my and your friends lol<<<

What could we replace the word BUSY with?

The reason I ask is because BUSY just seems to be the go-to word or "I'm busy" is the go-to phrase of the year! Every year. All the time. At any given moment.

Sometimes, I really believe that I'm the only one on the planet that doesn't believe in the word BUSY or the phrase I'M BUSY. 

Really? 

Is it just me?

Yes. I think so.

Most get "mad" at me when I say things like this. 

Why? 

. . . because they truly believe it's a thing.

Here's what I believe . . . 

WE ALL MAKE TIME FOR WHAT WE WANT

unless, you fall into these categories lol

• you have screaming children wrecking havoc in your home
• a needy newborn
• an elderly parent(s) you look after
• you're a caretaker
• you teach other peoples kids, then go home to your own
• you're taking a Self Care day . . . in which you can schedule another time btw

umm, that's about all the categories for now lol 

Look at it this way . . . 

CEOs/Presidents/Directors/Heads/Leads/Managers/Choreographers, etc - can even be less "busy" . . . why? They can delegate, hire assistants and interns. If you want or need to have your hands in everything - that's a choice people. Get where I'm going with this?

If you are a freelancer/artist . . . you know you make your own schedule. Yes, you can have a more intense schedule from time to time or become so heavily immersed in your art, BUT you do/can stop to eat or shit! (oops!) 

Scenario #986

Are you single?

No children?

Have a 9-5?

You reallllllly have some time because you CHOOSE to go take yoga (whatever's your thing), go out to eat/cook dinner, or watch netflix with a glass of wine after a work day . . . get the point?

Moral to the story . . . I read this on my friend's IG page: 

"When someone tells you they are too busy . . . It's not a reflection of their schedule, It's a reflection of your spot on their schedule." BOOM! (mic drop)

This is truth in thee dopest way. 

So, you know what I try to do . . . 

Never ever tell anyone

I'm Busy. . . because I'm not. smh 

side note. Yeah, It is just me: 

I'm single.

No children.

No family.

No job. 

I'm a freelancer . . . I have all thee time in the world!

HIRE ME. marry me. google me. 

I'm not busy. 

FYI - the above things are not by choice. LOL

~ deeply out 💣

SELFISHLY seeking...

...everyday I learn more and more how important it is to be selfish;  I never wanted to be that “type of person.” 

I always wanted to show up for others, to support the ones I have/always had maaaaad love for...sending little messages, giving shoutouts, reaching out when they least expect it, etc BUT...you (I) begin to ask yourself (myself) these questions: 

• What is wanting this connection. . . with this person really about? 
• Are you really getting what you need from these relationships? 
• Do they value you enough to respond, to follow up, to give of their time? Or do they forget about you...more often than not? 
• Do they understand your time, your support? 
• Is the “wanting to be involved so much,” the need to feel valuable...worth the “invaluable” invalidation, heartbreak . . . you often feel deep inside? 

My personal expectations of people are always at an all time high, especially in my personal relationships/friendships/mentorships. 

We all have them though . . . conscious or unconscious expectations. Which leaves me to my last question. . . Are your (my) expectations, the need to feel our (my) own void(s)?

for me

yes

• • •

As I take some time for deep reflection today...I hope you can step out of “busy” for just a moment and think about >>> those relationships and support <<< that you haven’t given enough or as much time to. 

~ moving deeply 🔳

DAY & NIGHT REALITY

it's worst in morning

it comes and goes

it's still

it's dark 

opened windows

the sun - daylight

the moon at night

the feeling same

the feeling fright

the day seems long

no song clicked on

just silence

silence 

this is the song

no need to call, reach out to one

alone you sit

without a gun

the heavy thoughts that cloud your view

make many people point at you

the peek of day

"I made it to . . . "

another hour, another skew 

no energy to fill the day

no scheduling

no "heard me say"

back to day and back to night

they are the same 

when there's no light

day

is calm and sometimes stale

you cry, you walk, you nap, you yell

night

concludes the time from day

with wonder how

the color's gray

day

brings thoughts of dis-inclusion

night seems like a mere illusion 

did the day turn into night?

or did you walk in gray sunlight?

that in-between 

that not so there

that where is she?

wait, is she there?

afraid to come out and play

she has no one

they do not stay

HONESTY & HOPE

When you live in a space where you feel alone

un-welcomed

not liked

not forgiven

un-noticed

unheard 

left out 

you're too opinionated

you're this. . . 

you're that . . . 

it all becomes too much

it becomes challenging to see your own worth and create from a space of positivity 

everyday you wonder why you're here

you question your own existence

did god make a mistake, then leave you behind?

you've sunken into a deep depression that no one can seem to understand nor see

------

I struggle with all these things, but I hope that life can reveal its place for me . . . sometime soon. 

If anyone can relate, then I've done my job.

deeply out ❤

CHANGE.

We sometimes feel that when things change and the people we know start to go on their own journeys . . . That we have to 'keep up with the jones' or else get lost in the shuffle. We have to do what everyone else is doing! (feeling 8/29/20 also) 

What if there's that bubbling within your stomach or that short hesitation within your breath, as you find out... there is yet another change in season evolving? Do we go with our gut? Or Do you try to stay and figure YOU out? (current conundrum 8/29/20)

I don't believe that actual physical places will change, we change within them. The atmosphere (our relationships, the landscapes) is what creates a change within us.

Though, in many situations so many changes are happening and occurring so fast that, we ourselves are very unsure of our placement. (I'm unsure of my placement 8/29/20)

Do we charge it to our hearts and not to our guessing egos?

6/7/13 3:06 pm

---

8/29/20

. . . experiencing lots of change in my relationships, friendships, mentorships . . . life in general. 

deeply out! ❤

DISAPPOINTMENT.

Disappointment exists in those spaces of expectation. But not the expectation of needing someone to "do the most" nor go out of their way. Just merely taking the time to follow up or respond. It's in my opinion . . . common decently. Letting someone know that . . . I value you. I actually support you.

-----

Though your value should only be linked to your own personal views...We should all show our [care] by simply doing the things that take that extra bit of time . . . esp if its for or coming from a "friend."

We all make time for what we want. 

Make time . . . if you care.

----

If you choose not to make time . . . are they really your friend? Are you really theirs?

Are you better at DisappointING or are you always the one who's DisappointED?

----

Life is VERY short. Think about it.

deeply out! ❤