I never thought that sharing my story would take so much out of me and from me. Meaning . . . sleepness nights to obsessive thoughts to loads of anxiety to guilt, to feeling supported to feeling unsupported to losing my community to feeling empowered, wanting to make a difference...not just for me, but to be A leader for others with "unheard voices."
Many think I'm a bitch, highly emotional, super confrontational, negative energy, DRAMA, the list goes on . . . and yes, I am all of those things, BUT these traits are NOT all that I am. I am a leader, an educator. . . I like to joke around, I'm supportive, I'm empathic, I love hard, and I care. Yes, I exist in/from my past unhealed trauma; I've worked and maintained my life independently for most of my life, having to pretty much rely solely on myself, learn from the mistakes I made along the way (like most), maneuver in a space where my past experiences in dance + my anger for my family has been triggered by those (friends) who have tried to be in my life. I don't deny my 'not so good attributes,' but I am human, always learning/reflecting and writing.
Back to this entry . . . can a black woman really 'call out' the mistreatment of a successful white man, trying to hold him and his team accountable? Yes and No. He and his team will ignore her, treat her as though she is nothing, never did anything to contribute; she becomes labeled and ostracized. Without true support from her allies... the zeal I have in this so called fight, I do alone. And when I say alone, I don't mean without my best friend or without those who have shared their empathy, I'm stating in the context of allllllllllllll the peeps who think and also tell me that "it's time to move on and let it go." Yes, I do agree, but I also feel that I have a PURPOSE that I was gifted. Many would say, as well as myself that my purpose is and has always been teaching, but I see my purpose being much more than inspiring dancers within the classroom. I, now see my PURPOSE in fighting 'this' fight alone and showing people that it's OK to not conform, to be the Bitch that people think I am IF I am consciously trying to "get justice." Again, sharing my story was never about 'gossiping,' as one person shared with me or 'my bitterness of a friendship' ending . . . I wrote a letter stating FACTS. A letter that took me 2 months to write, 6 edits, lots of tears, a panic attack, feelings of loss (in so many capacities), and caused me to spiral into a deep depression.
I have always been honest with my shit! I may not have manunered like others have or would, but that doesn't negate the fact that there is a lack in validity in my story. Some chose to read it, others did not, but some wanted to not 'bite the hand that fed them,' a successful white man, within their community. And there lies that problem. As artists, we exist in worlds where it is a 'faux pas,' to speak up. I wrote this on my facebook recently "Those in power stay protected, by those too afraid to go against the grain." Definitely as black people . . . we "know our place," as people in an industry that 'saving face' aka being cordial and fake at times, is the norm . . . most choose this road, to not ruffle any feathers, regardless of how they are feeling. Most, do not want to get in "good trouble."
I guess . . . I'm that person.
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You may think it doesn't still pain me to call out someone who used to be A friend? Hell yes it does! I miss the community that once accepted me, the students I inspired within that community, the genuine people I met . . . But the choice to ignore me and dismiss me speaks more about this white man's character than mine. Did he notice truth in my story, did he not want to deal with it, did he ONLY want to stay in POWER??? I think yes to the questions laid out. It's about a white man in power. Showcasing accountability would show people: he was human and that he makes mistakes TOO and that . . . no white man wants to admit to his community . . . nor in the world, we live in.
Think about it.
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If you don't follow . . . here's the story I'm referring to.
deeply out ❤
