TRANSITION

my takeaways . . . 

quotes by Pastor Touré Roberts

Protocals of Transition

• You gotta let what's dead be dead .  . . agree with the killing
• Be dead to it because it's dead to you
• You also have to move, you gotta keep movin - 
• Move towards what's next. Things that belong to you that can only be activated when you step on it . . . in the direction of your movement. Go get them. 
• There is always danger in transition

 

You have to disqualify people in your transition season. 

Sometimes you have to reject the wisdom of the lovers (blinded by their love)

"you love me too much to speak into my life accurately"

Sometimes you savor limited perspective. 

• Sensitive in your spirit
• You will always have enemies who want to fight

(5/5/21)

deeply out ❤

It's about POWER . . .

I never thought that sharing my story would take so much out of me and from me. Meaning . . . sleepness nights to obsessive thoughts to loads of anxiety to guilt, to feeling supported to feeling unsupported to losing my community to feeling empowered, wanting to make a difference...not just for me, but to be A leader for others with "unheard voices."

Many think I'm a bitch, highly emotional, super confrontational, negative energy, DRAMA, the list goes on . . . and yes, I am all of those things, BUT these traits are NOT all that I am. I am a leader, an educator. . . I like to joke around, I'm supportive, I'm empathic, I love hard, and I care. Yes, I exist in/from my past unhealed trauma;  I've worked and maintained my life independently for most of my life, having to pretty much rely solely on myself, learn from the mistakes I made along the way (like most), maneuver in a space where my past experiences in dance + my anger for my family has been triggered by those (friends) who have tried to be in my life. I don't deny my 'not so good attributes,' but I am human, always learning/reflecting and writing. 

Back to this entry . . . can a black woman really 'call out' the mistreatment of a successful white man, trying to hold him and his team accountable? Yes and No. He and his team will ignore her, treat her as though she is nothing, never did anything to contribute; she becomes labeled and ostracized. Without true support from her allies... the zeal I have in this so called fight, I do alone. And when I say alone, I don't mean without my best friend or without those who have shared their empathy, I'm stating in the context of allllllllllllll the peeps who think and also tell me that "it's time to move on and let it go." Yes, I do agree, but I also feel that I have a PURPOSE that I was gifted. Many would say, as well as myself that my purpose is and has always been teaching, but I see my purpose being much more than inspiring dancers within the classroom. I, now see my PURPOSE in fighting 'this' fight alone and showing people that it's OK to not conform, to be the Bitch that people think I am IF I am consciously trying to "get justice." Again, sharing my story was never about 'gossiping,' as one person shared with me or 'my bitterness of a friendship' ending . . . I wrote a letter stating FACTS. A letter that took me 2 months to write, 6 edits, lots of tears, a panic attack, feelings of loss (in so many capacities), and caused me to spiral into a deep depression. 

I have always been honest with my shit! I may not have manunered like others have or would, but that doesn't negate the fact that there is a lack in validity in my story. Some chose to read it, others did not, but some wanted to not 'bite the hand that fed them,' a successful white man, within their community. And there lies that problem. As artists, we exist in worlds where it is a 'faux pas,' to speak up. I wrote this on my facebook recently "Those in power stay protected, by those too afraid to go against the grain." Definitely as black people . . . we "know our place," as people in an industry that 'saving face' aka being cordial and fake at times, is the norm . . . most choose this road, to not ruffle any feathers, regardless of how they are feeling. Most, do not want to get in "good trouble." 

I guess . . . I'm that person. 

----

You may think it doesn't still pain me to call out someone who used to be A friend? Hell yes it does! I miss the community that once accepted me, the students I inspired within that community, the genuine people I met . . .  But the choice to ignore me and dismiss me speaks more about this white man's character than mine. Did he notice truth in my story, did he not want to deal with it, did he ONLY want to stay in POWER??? I think yes to the questions laid out. It's about a white man in power. Showcasing accountability would show people: he was human and that he makes mistakes TOO and that . . . no white man wants to admit to his community . . . nor in the world, we live in. 

Think about it.

----

If you don't follow . . . here's the story  I'm referring to. 

deeply out ❤

. . . for a reason

 

Tragedy from heartbreak.

 

More so, the heartbreak that inspires creativity.

 

The sucky thing about this is . . . Why do we have to go through something in order for us to become our most creative selves? Why does it come down to the point where you're in the midst of tragedy? 

Speaking for myself. . . I can write more. I can journal more. I can create pieces, dance pieces that are worth acknowledging . . . why do I feel like the tragedy that I have, the feeling of heartbreak that I feel. . . "Is for a reason?"

 

Yes, everything happens for a reason. We've heard that cliche time and time over and over again. But maybe it is though.

It's hard to really accept that. Everything happens for reason, but when you're in the midst of that reason, it's hard to accept - That reason. Why did that happen to me? Why did that have to happen? Why did it go so far? Why? Why? Why? Why, why, why am I not OK yet? Why are THEY ok? Why am I in this place . . . God? (for my believers)

 

I did my best. I tried my best. I tried my hardest. I received the positivity. I worked hard at it. I never thought that I would experience the place that I'm in right now. But my writing has gotten stronger. 

Maybe it was a story I needed to tell . . .

And in order to tell that story, I needed to go through everything that has happened for a reason.

 

the B in the A

The beauty in the ashes...

...such an interesting phrase 

it’s twofold: we all know what beauty is 

we can walk down the street and just see some flowers blooming, the sun is shining people are outside sitting in the park, everybody just living their lives and feeling good about themselves 

then you know what the ashes are 

the ashes are  those dark moments, those dirty moments, those moments that you don’t wanna show people 

BUT what’s great about this phrase is that beauty in the ashes to me means that you are able to take a negative situation and turn it into a positive situation

as hard as it is to change your focus into believing yourself again and not think that you have failed but knowing that 

"No, this happened for a reason" 

what's hard is. . . understanding what that reason is for you

- to focus on yourself 

- your self-care 

- focus on your own business

- not give your talents away 

- to see where your anger is coming from 

- to see how passionate you 

- to inspire other people to speak up for themselves 

- to acknowledge that you didn’t make all the right decisions 

- to hold your own self accountable on some shit 

there is beauty in there

Beauty in the ashes such a beautiful phrase

4/18/21

6:28pm

what CHAPTER are you in?

 BACK IN CHICAGO: 

This is technically CHAPTER 9 😮😳🤯🧐

As I looked back at my physical moves (location wise). I must say...

THIS Chapter is just as/probably more challenging than residing in PA, LA, & NY combined. THIS chapter is about “endings,” accepting change, & most definitely understanding relationships (of all forms - past & present). 

It’s like life is preparing me for this new pivotal age (coming to fruition December 2021). What I haven’t been prepared for is...my drastic health changes & the loneliness. 

THIS chapter = reDefining myself/searching for my place in the world. 

All this to say...WHAT CHAPTER ARE YOU IN? 

#moveDIPR 

~deeply out 🖤

GROWTH is . . .

. . . when you can say: I'm not like them & that's ok. 

. . . when you can acknowledge that you fffd up in the past & still believe that you are more than your last mistake.

. . . when you can set aside time in your day to reconnect, to honor your spirit, your worth, and just breathe.

. . . when you can look at an enemy's name, mourn the past & have no lingering thoughts. You breathe again.

. . . when you can legit catch yourself when the 'old you' begins to service.

. . . when you can see the good in everyone, even when they don't see it in you.

. . . when you can begin receiving the good, the paise & know that you ARE valuable.

. . . when you have nothing to prove, but you continue learning & continue supporting.

. . . when you can decide who you WANT to support, not who you think you should.

. . . when being an outsider is your strength because you have created your own lane.

. . . when you are now more aware of what being alone is for and why it has been so important to your journey.

. . . when the person you are the most connected with comes back! - They see you and they hear you now - after any BS you've been through together.

. . . when you choose to not be linked to a certain individual, just because everyone else is.

. . . when you've reached the "age of no return" and have finally decided that your emotions are valid and your choices are your own. FUCK the ones who never gave you a chance, gave you the time, nor wanted to engage in adult conversation.

. . . when (if you're like me), you understand that Family isn't always your blood. You can create your own family >>> FRIENDS. (& the fewer the better lol)

. . . when you finally receive a role that you are confident that you can take on and you are doing a great job at it.

. . . when you can have a role that gives you much access, but you're choosing to not be shady and merely do your job. 

. . . when those you look up to, trust YOU. 

. . . when you can say what you mean, mean what you say and honor your word. 

. . . when NO amount of hate, dislike, or "she's so negative" can keep you from being an artist and sharing your ART! 

. . . when you can say to yourself, there's nothing more I can do with that person or relationship, it is what it is. 

. . . when you can say: I know I did nothing wrong. I will no longer blame myself. (for that particular situation)

. . . when you can continuously and apologetically take accountability. 

--------------

GROWTH is a process. Growth will continue to be a process. And I myself, I'm not completely healed yet, but I'm working on it - I am allowing for growth to happen. 

Pops of the past may come up, but I'm trying to stay present and find forgiveness for myself. <<< this is GROWTH. 

~ deeply out ❤

photo credit: The Female Lead

A NEW YEAR?!?! is upon us...

We’re always faced with the toughest challenges once we begin to make changes & a new year is upon us...

It’s like I need to hibernate and stay within my meditative practice all day every damn day, in order to create a bubble around myself or a force field, so that nothing has the chance to affect my mental space or emotional state. 

Because DAMN! 

I put out info re: a D • TOX experience, but tbh I need to make it at least the whole entire month of December so that my protective armor has been formed and all the SHIT that has been affecting me the whole damn year can melt off...like the sun melts off the winter in spring. 

I have turned into an icy bitch! Not cold to the touch or cold in my demeanor, but it’s cold outside and it’s like when the winter hits...October on...shit hits the MF fence! It’s like life is in a complete retrograde and maybe it is and I just don’t know...

Friendships be falling apart, peeps be acting up, peeps be shady, peeps be crazy, I be crazy, peeps be...WTF! Jobs be scarce or gigs coming to an end...& I’m like really? Not in less than a week into the new year. Smh 

So what does this all mean? Layers are coming off...the peeps you don’t need, the jobs you don’t need, you don't need the non-existent gigs that make you recalibrate your life choices, you legit start hiding from the world, you drink more...wine, maybe a lil whiskey or brandy more. You just start doing some off the cuff shit and you’re like...was that me???

Oh and self-reflection is a bitch! You get all in your head and start feeling like shit. Did you shower today? Nope. Did you eat today? Nope. Did even open your blinds yet. Nope. Are you still under the covers? Yes. Here’s the kicker... Are you decompressing from your last disagreement, so you don’t do more damage? 

Well...

Back to the ‘icy bitch.’ Icy I am not. Can I be a BITCH? Yes. But! I’m working on it and just because the universe knows that I’m working on it...I get tested 2day! Did I pass the test? No I did not. 

What’s this blog entry really about???

Layers come off and shit hits the fan before the new year, so we gotta get ready earlier. We gotta figure out what our protective armor is gonna be and last question...how do you stay sane, without paying for therapy. 

Me? 

I meditate.

I write. 

I might even reflect...once the ice has melted. 

~ deeply out ❤

SHIT! my heart is hurt

 some

some make you feel like you're the worst person in the world for the mistakes you made in the past

some

some make you . . . no one makes you right?

I'm not allowed to say that right?

make me

no one can make you do and feel anything

ok

the catalyst to my current feelings

the feelings I've had all night since I read his message

some people

some people act like you're the only one

the only one in this . . . used to be friendship

we used to be . . .

friends

some 

some people make you feel 

like I said before

I say that cause I can

some people make you

ok, cause you to . . . 

that may be better

cause you to feel . . . like shit!

I'm not shit, but I feel like shit!

some people

some people don't forgive

some people forget

I don't forget . . . 

friendship

I remember friendship

what do you remember in your last . . . idk, encounter with someone that caused you to feel . . .

like shit!

some people smh

some people make me write, cause me to write

some people, meaning 1

1 in particular in this entry

but there's been many 1's that 

make/caused me to feel like shit!

I'm not shit!

I've done shitty things . . . at times

but, I'm NOT shit!

He didn't need to capitalize for emphasis

that last message got me

caught me by the throat

I suffocated for a moment . . . 

on the ???

bus, then train

staring off in space

did that just happen?

did I

reach out

AGAIN

I did

but NEVER again

the word never was capitalized twice in this message to me

I lost my breath for a moment

some people, meaning 1 

I don't understand

am I thee only one

who understands that

I'm not shit!

I feel like shit! though

tried and it didn't/never worked

what?

reconciliation.

It barely exists for me

I feel like shit!

do you feel like ?

you don't understand . . . 

shit!, some people, make, cause, message, NEVER again . . . 

SHIT!

~ deeply out ❤

the desire

(written on Dec 1st)

I want

I want to be somebody

I want to be 

I want

I want to - not be

I want

I want someone

I want

I want to see me

I want

I want someone to see me

I want

I never want...

what I have

but...I want

I want to see

I want to

I want me

I want 

I want to know

I want to show

...something that is me

I want to be...

special 

I want 

. . . 

so I write

I write when I'm not having a good day

I write when I feel alone

I write when I'm drinking alone, in the middle of the day

looking out the window... 

to the sunshine, I don't feel 

I write

I write because I want to be someone . . . one day

someone who has

someone who is

someone who ain't . . . that

someone of value

someone of prestige

someone people admire

someone people see

seen

not unseen

not the braille on my chest

conflict 

conflict messaging

conflicting messages 

in distortion 

I write

I write in my feelings

I write to calm down

I write to move forward

...to get through the day

I write    to     accept     ME

all that I am

I write

and I write 

and I write

enough said.

Lurk in Silence

They watch, they sit in silence . . . 

still broken bits

no speech

. . .  from their lips

no "thanks"

not even an emoji kiss

it breaks me

BREAK THE SILENCE!

you "heard me," saw my words, 

why not? 

why - do - I?

do I not deserve?

does it hurt to forgive

& list

those things still trapped inside you

as you peak & as you ponder

you haven't; 

you don't persist

I speak to all those lurking

watching behind the scenes

the ones I reach out to

but still. . . and yet

I'm mean?

Who told you not to speak

that silence is your speech

that meek and minimal words

the voice of the unheard?

[Does my sassiness upset you?

Why are you beset with gloom?

'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells

Pumping in my living room]

~  Maya Angelou - Still I rise

This piece is to help those understand that no one is perfect, everyone makes mistakes . . . 

But if you never express your hurt, what right do you have to consciously dismiss the love of others, their vulnerability to you . . . their accountability and most importantly,

the time they cared & inspired YOU. 

You don't win by your silence.

You win by connecting to your heart, your true self. 

That's confidence!

hate me

rate me

curse me

stare -

dig holes deeper

with desperate glares

make fun

move on

miss me no more

wait and watch

admire me . . . score!

fake the funk 

you silent ones

hold the gun

shoot & run

black me

black one

black girl power

still standing strong

no "give up" hour

For those who feel like I feel sometimes . . . ignored & dismissed

I challenge you to do thee most difficult thing . . . 

continue to spread your LIGHT & your LOVE

accepted or not

#moveDEEPER

(make sure you CLICK on the highlighted sections)

~ deeply out ❤

in my solace

I scour in the night for solace

protecting my bleeding heart

hoping someone hears me

and gives me back my start

I started over today 

and yesterday, and everyday in between

I'm scared as all get out

as scared as one could be

I drink away my sorrows

I sometimes burst into tears

knowing that I have nothing

I am nothing

 . . . this is my fear.

Stay in the game & CHANGE the game or stay in the game & WIN the game?

Today's Inspiration

Could you buy me a day
In your life 
When I'm wearing the clothes 
That you wear, 
And could you give me your dimes for a day 
And just for one day take my place 

See mama says that I am beautiful, yeah 
And I am lovely the way that I am 
But if I am so sweet 
Why won't life 
Just give me 
What you have
What you have 
What you have

Or can I get away with
Being you for a day
Oh I wonder if I can

Put me in a Box 
For a little while
Tomorrow
Take me out, again

Or am I already
As lovely as You
Are you in my window pane
Looking back at me
Saying, Here I am 
Girl,
You're Beautiful

Could be that I am just too afraid
To become who I already am
Could it be that the life 
That was spoken to me
Is indeed in my spirit, man, Oh

Mama said touch the sky with your heels 
And to fly on the wings of the Lord
Could I only believe that 
It is inside of me
To be free
To be free
To be free

Or can I get away with
Being you for a day
Oh I wonder if I can

Put me in a Box 
For a little while
Tomorrow
Take me out, again

Or am I already
As lovely as You
Are you in my window pane
Looking back at me
Saying, Here I am 
Girl,
You're Beautiful

~ Chrisette Michele

____________________

Stay in the game & CHANGE the game or stay in the game & WIN the game?

. . . just STAY

~ deeply out ❤

DANCE, but don't be selfish!

To my dancers, choreographers, and dance teachers:

You're bigger than the pandemic right?

Why aren't friends helping other friends, dancers helping other dancers, trying to keep others safe?

Regarding the Pandemic, I almost got sucked in and "peer pressured" into being around peeps that I know without a mask . . . then, I had to think about it. With my own health . . . my immune system is already compromised. I HAVE to do what others don't do.

When you meet up with people . . . Do you actually know who they've been around . . . before they met up with you? No you do not. Smh We just blindly trust. I know it's tough to gage who to let your guard down for, but at least can we keep distance?

It makes me highly concerned with all the peeps I know . . . meeting up, having rehearsals, shooting dance videos/concept videos, teaching classes and or not keeping distance; Everyone seems to be over it and NO ONE seems to care.

I also found out that a dancer I knew had the virus . . . then jumped right back into rehearsals with no mask. WHAT?!?!

Even if you "don't believe in the virus" - you at least have to have the decency to protect others . . . people like myself . . . with a compromised immune system, meaning someone who could easily get the virus.

Yes, our focus maybe on/IS on our personal lives, voting...we're tired of injustice in this country and the pandemic has ruined our livelihoods, so what do we do? We use DANCE to release all of our emotions.

BUT! we also have to be smart, do the things that we don't want to do (as annoying as wearing a mask is or keeping distance) and consciously deciding to use some damn humanity! Periodt! Stop being selfish because you NEED to dance!

What's best for YOU is to stay safe - don't allow your peers to influence you to do the opposite. 

. . . esp in a public space . . . like the dance studio.

Side note: Are you still washing your hands and using hand sanitizer?

~ deeply out! ❤

I've

I've been waiting for them to accept me

I've been waiting for them to see me . . . again

I've been waiting for them to answer

I've been hoping they would respond

I've been living for them

I've been waiting for them 

I've been wanting them 

I've been needing them

I've been hurt by them

I've been hurting them

I've been honest with them

I've been hiding from them

I've been scared of them

I've been

I've been wanting more

I've been 

I've been unhappy 

I've been in comparison

I've been seeing life as . . . 

I've been. . . not ok

I've been wishing and hoping

I've been thinking it'll change

I've been . . . not myself

I've been 

I've been scared

I've been un-fulfilled

I've been

I've been wide awake 

I've been sleep . . . on myself

I've been an ass

I've been a bitch

I've been insecure

I've been mean

I've been reflecting

I've been in reflection

I've been overwhelmed

I've been dismissed

I've been ignored 

I've been forgotten

I've been invisible

I've been spiteful

I've been angry

I've been figuring this all out

I've been 

I've been filled with regret

I've been existing

I've been conscious

I've been lost

I've been in the background

I've been up and bold

I've been

I've been sad

I've been here . . . sitting in my room

I've been 

Who have you been?

~ deeply out ❤

You(r) Ar-mor.

Armor is the covering that protects you from harm.

from bullets

from daggers

from just anything right?

but,

The only thing about armor is that it's something that you can wear in your mind, but not accessible on physical demand. Unless . . . you hold 'that' authority.

Usually the armor people wear is with their faith. "The full armor of god." 

but I don't have faith . . . so what is my armor?

my strength?

What my protective layer. Better yet, who?

Who protects you? Who is willing to be your armor?

"You don't know how strong you are, until strength is all you have left." this just popped into my head. . . Who said this? Do you remember?

_____

times are fleeting

thoughts are swift

heart is aching

fists are clenched 

time is racing

life is swift

moments gone

new lessons . . . list

____

Did you know that you are more? more than the harm you feel

more than what harms you

you are more

you armor

your armor is . . . what?

~ deeply out ❤

Nope. I'm not busy.

>>>Writer's Note: this entry is specifically for my and your friends lol<<<

What could we replace the word BUSY with?

The reason I ask is because BUSY just seems to be the go-to word or "I'm busy" is the go-to phrase of the year! Every year. All the time. At any given moment.

Sometimes, I really believe that I'm the only one on the planet that doesn't believe in the word BUSY or the phrase I'M BUSY. 

Really? 

Is it just me?

Yes. I think so.

Most get "mad" at me when I say things like this. 

Why? 

. . . because they truly believe it's a thing.

Here's what I believe . . . 

WE ALL MAKE TIME FOR WHAT WE WANT

unless, you fall into these categories lol

• you have screaming children wrecking havoc in your home
• a needy newborn
• an elderly parent(s) you look after
• you're a caretaker
• you teach other peoples kids, then go home to your own
• you're taking a Self Care day . . . in which you can schedule another time btw

umm, that's about all the categories for now lol 

Look at it this way . . . 

CEOs/Presidents/Directors/Heads/Leads/Managers/Choreographers, etc - can even be less "busy" . . . why? They can delegate, hire assistants and interns. If you want or need to have your hands in everything - that's a choice people. Get where I'm going with this?

If you are a freelancer/artist . . . you know you make your own schedule. Yes, you can have a more intense schedule from time to time or become so heavily immersed in your art, BUT you do/can stop to eat or shit! (oops!) 

Scenario #986

Are you single?

No children?

Have a 9-5?

You reallllllly have some time because you CHOOSE to go take yoga (whatever's your thing), go out to eat/cook dinner, or watch netflix with a glass of wine after a work day . . . get the point?

Moral to the story . . . I read this on my friend's IG page: 

"When someone tells you they are too busy . . . It's not a reflection of their schedule, It's a reflection of your spot on their schedule." BOOM! (mic drop)

This is truth in thee dopest way. 

So, you know what I try to do . . . 

Never ever tell anyone

I'm Busy. . . because I'm not. smh 

side note. Yeah, It is just me: 

I'm single.

No children.

No family.

No job. 

I'm a freelancer . . . I have all thee time in the world!

HIRE ME. marry me. google me. 

I'm not busy. 

FYI - the above things are not by choice. LOL

~ deeply out 💣

SELFISHLY seeking...

...everyday I learn more and more how important it is to be selfish;  I never wanted to be that “type of person.” 

I always wanted to show up for others, to support the ones I have/always had maaaaad love for...sending little messages, giving shoutouts, reaching out when they least expect it, etc BUT...you (I) begin to ask yourself (myself) these questions: 

• What is wanting this connection. . . with this person really about? 
• Are you really getting what you need from these relationships? 
• Do they value you enough to respond, to follow up, to give of their time? Or do they forget about you...more often than not? 
• Do they understand your time, your support? 
• Is the “wanting to be involved so much,” the need to feel valuable...worth the “invaluable” invalidation, heartbreak . . . you often feel deep inside? 

My personal expectations of people are always at an all time high, especially in my personal relationships/friendships/mentorships. 

We all have them though . . . conscious or unconscious expectations. Which leaves me to my last question. . . Are your (my) expectations, the need to feel our (my) own void(s)?

for me

yes

• • •

As I take some time for deep reflection today...I hope you can step out of “busy” for just a moment and think about >>> those relationships and support <<< that you haven’t given enough or as much time to. 

~ moving deeply 🔳