Sitting in the uncomfortable

I will admit and take full accountability that I Fffffd up with a situation, the other day but, was I wrong in how I felt? No. But could I have handled it better? Yes. So why is that I made the wrong choice. . . at that moment, at that time? 

Well…many look past trauma & rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) because these are 2 terms that we hear very often. However, I agree with this IG message in regards to TRAUMA from Kita Rose.

We all are well aware of how trauma can cause us to be triggered by things that have and may harm us. So what we do is use our “fight or flight” response, in order to guard ourselves from harm. 

Now…I titled this entry: sitting in the uncomfortable because I haven’t had anyone to share my recent hardships with, so it can be quite difficult at times to hold onto it all. 

I was VERY angry the other day because tbh, I'm in a place where I’ve done an enormous amount of work, in order to change my life and feel secure BUT my trauma responses have been at an all-time high. Today was the first time that I felt OK in the midst of my hardship. Why and how, you may ask? 

First, I forced myself to go to the studio the morning, to work on a solo that I have to perform this Saturday. I meditated at the top of the morning, then I allowed myself to cry for a moment. . . the owner of the space arrived and simply asked if I was ok, then proceeded to ask me if I needed a hug. 

We often forget of the simplicity of someone showing care, can help change a moment for us. 

After the owner left, I continued to work on my solo and edit my music. And even being deep in poverty, using the small amount of money I have…I granted myself a cup of coffee and a solid meal from the food truck. Then proceeded to go back to the destination that has made me THEE most angry and uncomfortable. Walking up…I always have to prepare my mind, even with a frown underneath my mask because it’s a situation that I can’t change…right now. 

Once inside, I opened up. 

. . . separated my laundry, watched Couples Court on TV (lol) and spoke with a woman I had always been silent around…(low-key I had an attitude about my huge life change), even though she had done nothing wrong. 

I found out she was someone that I needed to have this minimal connection with. Not to mention, worse comes to worse, at least I had a place to rest…in the middle of my day. 

I finally realized that even though, I’m not where I want to be. I've decided to do the performance on Saturday & that this is not the end of my story. 

Yea, I f***ed up yesterday, but at least I have a plan on how to try and make things right again. Whether it’s accepted or not. Who knows? (That’s not for me to determine.) 

And even though, I’m not entirely ok (inside). I still exist for some reason and today I made some progress: I sat in the uncomfortable. 

When was the last time you were uncomfortable?

Are you a PROBLEM or are you a PERSON?

 Ask yourself . . . 

Do 'they' see me as a problem or do 'they' see me as a person?

You may be asking why does it even matter how they view you? Let me tell you that IT MATTERS . . . because YOU MATTER. 

As much as we want to ignore or act as if others' perceptions don't affect us . . . sometimes it does. And the first step in practicing: MINDFULNESS is to acknowledge how we are feeling right?

I'm not a therapist but AM a teacher, who always wants her students to embrace who they are. So I'm sharing with you that if you don't feel like you can always be your authentic self, then you may not be in a safe space, to be a PERSON . . . a human being, who's flawed, but who continues growing every day. 

I would say that you become a "problem," when you aren't aware of yourself when you are not mindful and you don't hold yourself accountable. 

Yes, some situations hurt more than others and trigger us to respond in ways that are unlike our true selves . . . but at the end of the day, do you forgive and forget, or just forgive, or just move on. In my eyes, the latter is the most detrimental because it shows a lack of acknowledgment; there are 2 sides to every story, right? 

And just to be fair . . . let's just answer the initial question: Are you a problem or are you a person? Here's my answer: 

You are a PERSON, a human being who deserves to be loved, accepted, respected, and empathized with. We all have a back story, but are you willing to share yours? Are you willing to forgive your problems?

~ deeply out ❤

SEEN

It's so interesting how much constant experiences of trauma can effect your psyche. From my last encounter, I've started to notice how the smallest things make me fearful or cause me to get irritated. For example, why would sending and receiving emails scare me? 

Because 

the last experiences have been: feeling ignored, invaluble, WRONG, and honestly . . . unloved. And I'm not talking about the quick email bites like following up with someone or spam, or email lists you need to unsucribe from . . . but the emails you've sent to people you either loved or to people you shared your voice with, having to state your case and speak up for yourself.

I'm scared to check my emails. This is not ok. How do you heal from something like that? By blocking, deleting? 

I used to tell myself that I held onto emails, texts and pictures because I was a 'memory hoarder,' but it's actually because It's my evidence . . . that I tried. 

I've read this book called Welcome Home by Najwa Zebian, that shares how we become homeless when we look to find our homes in other people. Within this context it means that I'm always looking at myself as being unlovable and unworthy because that's how IIIIIIIIIIII allowed people to make me feel. It's not that I can't be hurt or feel the pain, but it's that I've given every single person who has "given up on me," the power to define who I am - for me. 

All this to say, trauma is not always physical. My trauma has always be psychological. The fear of checking my emails and merely walking from my seclusion (apt) to the train station, makes me feel seen; Trauma makes you not want to be seen.

When I send an email, I'm seen.

When I walk outside, I'm seen.

When I'm on social media, where people can find my profiles, I'm seen. 

When I go to work, I'm seen. 

Because of trauma . . . I don't want to be seen. 

~ deeply out ❤

#mentalhealthawareness

true friendship is LIGHT

 I am currently wiping my eyes and blowing my nose from all the waterworks that just transpired. 

A friend that I thought was long gone, out of my life . . . not from a fall out, but more so from lives separating and going off on different journeys.

I was in pure shock when my phone rang today at 1:10pm CST. It was a video call, even more shocking. After the dry HI from my side, he began to speak his peace: 

I'M SORRY... 

In the midst of his moment of apology, I heard him, but I guess the shock of this moment only allowed for me to see his beautiful face, remembering who he's always been to me . . .  WARMTH, HONEST LOVE

. . . 

We all battle with who we are and who we're trying to impress. 

We all come to that place of distancing ourselves from those we didn't have the capacity for .  . . at that time. 

We all need TIME. 

We all need FORGIVENESS.

We all need SUPPORT.

We all need LOVE. 

My friend . . . 

the one I cut off because I was in battle . . . with my own feelings and personal life struggles. 

My friend . . . 

IS 

MY FRIEND, not because he apologized for the time that passed from our last encounter nor the on and off relationship, we've had for the past 5 years . . . 

but HE IS MY FRIEND because he forgave me, he held space for me, he cherished our past time together and shared: 

I AM LIGHT.

I brought him light. "You're teaching is so spiritual./You are in me when I dance."

He is my friend because he saw my flaws, knows my struggles, understands the battle . . . 

BUT 

chooses to see MY LIGHT! 

Who chooses to see your light?

~ deeply out ❤

…inspired by Xavier Velasquez (XEO) 

HOW?

How do you keep yourself going, when you've failed so many times? 

How do you tell yourself you're capable when everyone tells you you're . . . 'not a good fit.' 

How do you believe in your worth, when your worth hasn't proven to be worthy? 

How do you start over in a place where you know you shouldn't be? 

How do you ask and receive no answers? 

How do you fight for yourself, but end up alone? 

How do you manage to keep a smile on your face when all you want to do is cry? 

How do you believe in yourself, in the midst of heartache? 

How do you continue to wish for things that have never happened? 

How do you prove 'them' wrong, when you haven't done the right things? 

How do you persevere when you're tired of the hustle?

How do you love when you feel unloved? 

How do you live, when you feel like you're dying . . . inside? 

How do you wake up and tell yourself you'll make it? 

How do you hit rock bottom, then rise again? 

How do you tell yourself that you're good enough when others don't think you are?

 

How do you know what to do, when you don't know what to do? 

How?

 Can you answer any of these questions for me? 

  ~deeply out ❤

MEDICINE FOR YOUR SOUL!

Joy Oladokun is medicine for your soul! 

~ deeply ❤

things CHANGED . . .

". . . to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference." 

I remember when we last sat down face to face; we met up at a bar. We talked about the challenges I faced in LA; you were my family.

I remember when you took my classes and how much fun I had with you. I watched a video the other day; you were my bluebird

I remember when I created, like really created .  . . not giving a fuck about anyone else, just wanting to share this bomb ass choreo with my classes.

I remember when we reconnected last year and my heart mended itself. I had hope. Then you gave me a job and a role and it made me feel important. You watched the things that I did and we joked via iPhone. I remembered when you trusted me; I remember when you believed in my teaching. 

I remember when I slept at your house (your mom's house) all the way out south and I watched you get up in the morning and work on your craft. I was so inspired. I remember when you taught me about music and how you moved with calculation, very strong in your beliefs as an artist, as a vegan, as a Muslim.

I remember when you would heat up your tea 'a hundred times'  the warmth I felt when you would hug me . . . 

I remember that you would call me on my birthday each year .  . . 

I remember our check-ins . . . you believed in me as a teacher. 

I remember when I first met you; I instantly fell in love.

I remember when you cried when I went off to college. 

I remember when you were valedictorian and I was there for your graduation. 

I remember when we sat in the park that night and you cried because you were scared. I remember when you told me that you loved me.

I remember when they would come to my classes every week when I built a strong following . . . when I had respect in my community. I remember when they liked me.

I remember when you made me feel safe.

I remember . . . 

. . . 

These are moments & people from parts of my life, that I remember and I could probably list a ton more . . . 

The things we remember, the things that stand out in our minds. Why is that? Why do we remember some things and forget others. Why do these moments make us happy, but also make us sad? Why did things have to change? We ask ourselves how did I change? When did I change? 

Then . . . you sit in silence and breathe through the pain, those relationships that are presently gone. You wanna go back 10 years and redo those relationships, but... you also wonder if they think of you. 

What life shows us over and over again is that things CHANGE and there is nothing we can do about it. Everyone makes their own decisions. Everyone has and is experiencing life in ways we're not privy to. Everyone fights their own battles. Everyone you meet IS for a reason? Everything happens for a reason???

Unfortunately, we are less likely to find those answers. . . 

Things CHANGED, so what now? How do you move forward and cherish the good times?

Here's my only suggestion:

with TEARS, REFLECTION & ACCEPTANCE

HEALING the things that have CHANGED is all a process . . .  

 

SIT WITH IT

 I never understood why people gave up on their passions. Why people stopped posting, stopped showing up . . . when they said: 'I haven't (fill in the blank) in years!' 

As a teacher, I would kinda dismiss those comments and feelings, say that it didn't matter how long it's been. My classes required a lot. I expected a lot. I was living in my own bubble for a while. SMH I just went day to day, project to project, rehearsal to rehearsal, creating in my small bedrooms, and then excited to share with my students. However . . . 

In the space that I'm currently in, I've truly realized how people could fade away, how people could remove themselves from their community, how people could start to live different lives entirely. Saying to yourself. . . 

I used to be someone . . . important.

When life becomes unbearable and shifts in ways that you never imagined, you feel yourself fighting everyone and everything, more importantly, fighting for yourself . . . alone.  You become stuck. You grow distant. You cut people off because you feel triggered or threatened in thinking they aren't for you, you're overly conscious of your own safety. You start to lose yourself, despite "friends" and supporters telling you how much you changed their life, despite how they tell you that - you have a purpose, despite trying to convince yourself that you do have a purpose; Despite...

other             people's          faith        in        you

...

I now know that your past or current traumas can heavily influence the path you're on. And as much as you know that you should be more productive, sometimes you just can't. 

Even with experiencing FOMO, you become numb in believing in your own value, in understanding what to do in this moment. Fear of moving forward, understanding your invisibility. Asking yourself if your voice really matters. ???

Its also the decision if you should be visible elsewhere . . . social media and amongst the community you grew up in. Pretty much hiding away in plain sight, but really physically hiding away. 

To all those people I dismissed when they said: I haven't done (fill in the blank) in years . . . Forgive me, I now understand. 

...

The quote below resonated with me the other day and I'd like to share it with you:

"Grief wasn't done with me. . . You gotta take time to feel it all. Don't let it chase you. Sit with it. Listen to it. Respect it. It's the only way to survive it." ~ Remy: Queen Sugar, S1

#sitwithit

~deeply out ❤

NOSTALGIA

I often wonder what headspace I was in when I created different pieces.

Why did I make those choices?

Who or what was inspiring me to be and to dance at my highest level?

Then...

the question becomes, how did I lose these things?

What was the change'?

When did it happen?

Why did it happen?

Is it still possible that - that person is still within me?

Or am I supposed to accept the fact that I'm older and I just don't move like that anymore? Not from a physicality standpoint, but from a "who's body was I in?" I didn't know that I could even move like that.

So where is this all coming from?

NOSTALGIA (sounds like a stylish social influencer lol)

Yup! I did the thing that you're not supposed to do. 

Look backward.

But I did. 

so sorry :(

And what pray tell happened? There was an awwwww, but there was also a WHOA! Damn you were good!

Then, I got into my head and asked more questions . . . 

Did I leave LA too soon? Could all the negative experiences I'm currently going thru and have been through in the past few years, been avoided if I just fought it out a little bit longer. If I just stayed and had fun in the sun and allowed the warm weather and conscious hikes to change me? (Because the sun makes us happy right?) Warm weather makes us less cranky, esp when it's that nice warm weather, with the cool breeze and you're not sweating through your fit. 

This question comes up again . . . Are we supposed to go back? I asked this in a previous entry. Is my life more together than it was back then? Or should I go back? 

Why?

Because judging from those videos, I was for damn sure, slimmer, highly creative and put out lots of work, more than I'm doing right now.

So what is this entry about?

NOSTALGIA, our longing and affection for the past & the many questions that come along with it. 

How do you handle NOSTALGIA?

Well . . . I think it's best to ask yourself certain questions, to find out more about who you are. And looking back at times isn't always so bad. 

Take those good memories, inspiring memories, and just SMILE for a moment. 

~deeply out ❤

· · ·

Heres's some Joy Oladokun Music for you to get through some nostalgia :)

Here's your MIDDAY MEDICINE! :)

If you need a midday pick up, Joy Oladokun is the person who will help you! 

This album is pure medicine for your soul!

 

~

~ deeply ❤

“THE GIFT OF LONG SUFFERING”

TODAY'S INSPO

words by Denzel Washington…

You hang around the barbershop long enough, sooner or later, you will get a haircut. You will catch a break!

• Reggie Jackson struck out 26,000 times, the most in baseball career
• Thomas Edison = 1,000 failed experiments before the lightbulb

Do you have the guts to fail? 

Don’t confuse movement with progress

Some of you have the gift of long suffering - what are you going to do with what you have? 

< ASPIRE TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE >

~ deeply out 

suggestion = start vid 12:15

TRUE CHANGE is a false!

Do we really change?

Do people realllllllly change?

···

We all want to say YES, but if we're speaking about someone else . . . It's an immediate answer: NO

Esp if it's something that we don't agree with or something that made us mad or hurt our feelings. 

BUT when we reflect that question back to ourselves . . . the answer is of course

Y E S 

And we want EVERYBODY and dey mama to know that WE HAVE CHANGED.

We don't post as often on social media or disable our pages for a while . . . to make people miss us (or at least HOPE that they do) 

You'll take your account off PRIVATE (IF you did that, like me) OR come back with a vengence! NEW LOOK. NEW VID. NEW BODY. NEW FRIENDS (not really "friends" yet, but its some people that you met on a random day and just chat it up with . . . ) You know we all low key want to make people jealous (our haters) or the friend we haven't talked to in a while. 

BUT! 

DON'T FORGET . . . change is A p r o c e s s! 

We alllll know that, BUT when we think others haven't changed . . . we're always trying to prove that we did (you and I). You got a new place? You gon tell people you never talk to. Just furnished that place? Oh hell yes! "They" need to know YOU GOT MONEY coming in! Right?

All these scenarios are falsity false false!

Did they really change? Don't ask them or test them. Watch them and experience them. 

Did YOU really change? NO. 

Why do I say that?

Because most times . . . that urge to show off our "change" or go silent for a while  . . . turns out to be something much much deeper. 

I will use myself for example . . .

my "going black" or disabling my accounts is usually because I'm "going thru it ya'll!" lol

Trying to figure this life shit out! 

Wondering why I made the mistakes that I made. 

A career dilemma

Etc. 

So what I'm saying is: Yes, Change is a process! BUT Self Care and Insecurity is involved in that process of change. Let's start with Insecurity . . . we all have it! However, roll with me for a min . . . 

That Insecurity can come from a lack of Self Care. 

So think about how much Self Care is a priority in your life and let's (me as well) nic pic to find out where that insecurity stems from and HOW to give Self Care to that area in particular! 

I'm with you on this journey, so let's (you and I) find the type of Self Care that contributes to our CHANGE! 

~ deeply out ❤

photo cred: Kayden Nunziato

movers: dionna & Jada 

orginally written 7/30/21, 4pm

IT'S PAST TENSE

Maybe we aren't supposed to go back. 

Back to that city. 

Back to that family member (s).

Back to that friendship.

Back to that relationship.  

Why do I say that?

Because . . . 

If the moment you try to change it or welcome a new moment into the mix . . . you start to feel sad - Intensely upset or like you made another bad life decision! They're still not hearing you, truly understanding why they've made... or rather, you've allowed yourself to feel this way! again!

then, 

m   a   y   b   e 

the right decision was the first one

not the one you'd hoped for

not the result you wanted

nor 'the happy ending, running off in the sunset together' . . . 

telling yourself 

"this time will be different."

I've evolved. They've evolved. 

Things are surprisingly good right now . . . 

Exactly! 

That was "right now" . . . that lovey-dovey, "I haven't seen you in over a year, I missed you" moments. 

And we all know that moments are fleeting. Moments are just that . . . #moments 

As in. . . we had a moment. past tense. 

It's never "we're havING a great moment." Because when you're in it, you're in it. You're in the present.

The next day or within a few hours . . . 

you remember the moment you haD. past tense. 

So what am I trying to say?

What am I actually saying?

Answer these questions for me . . . 

Did you ever go back?

to that relationship?

to that friendship? 

to that city? 

And if so, what happenED?!?!

past tense. 

~ deeply out ❤

photo cred: esp by mike, model: Coco Watts 

THE SEMBLANCE OF IMPORTANCE

My best friend said this to me, the other day . . .

···

"You don't miss him. You miss the semblance of importance."

 Hmmmm Think about it. 

That person (he) made me feel important. 

He made me feel valued. He made me attach my worth to his . . . his community. He made me feel forgiven and accepted. He made me feel a part of a team. He made me. . . 

But

No one can "make you" right? We allow.

What's interesting is how we allow ourselves to be swept away by people who didn't give a fuck about us before we reconnected or moved back to that city. Our talents just became seen again. Did we matter before? Were we respected before? 

Did we have worth before?

The answer is: YES! 

He didn't make me feel important. I AM IMPORTANT. I just allowed him to be my validation. 

Isn't that what we do. We allow, in order to feel validated, in order to feel . . . 

It builds our self-esteem. It gives us respect on another level. We become seen. 

Yet,

We've always been that strong, talented, purposeful being. We just lost it - that part of ourselves. 

This is being honest with ourselves...We matter, 

BUT 

When he said we didn't or showed that we didn't. We were blocked . . . 

We lost ourselves. 

We believed in our inadequacy. 

We followed that narrative. 

Why? We lost ourselves because of that semblance of importance.

We have to get our power back. We have to say to ourselves . . . 

I HAVE VALUE. I AM IMPORTANT. 

~ deeply out ❤

CHAKRAS: "What do you do, when your energy feels off-kilter?"

As of late . . . I've been highly interested and engaged with incense, crystals, meditation, essential oils, and spiritual anointing. So, I wanted to share this article I found with you. Please enjoy the #INSIGHT 

Essential Oils and Chakras: Balance and Heal 

https://www.healthline.com/health/essential-oils-for-chakras 

And while you're reading that, I think I'll get back to my spiritual practice :)

~ deeply out ❤

dance TRAUMA . . . how do we (me) (POC) begin to heal?

One situation can completely change your life! 

· · ·

Others don't see your situation like you do. Many tell you to just move on . . . "you don't need him. you don't need them. You can find something else." 

"It's time to let go."

Letting go and moving on is a process . . . especially when you've experienced trauma. 

Now, ***trauma comes in many forms: 

• Acute - single stressful or a dangerous event
• Chronic - repeated or prolonged exposure 
• Complex - exposure to multiple traumatic events 

The one that I would like to bring awareness to is Acute: Psychological Trauma. ***"When bad things happen, it can take a while to get over the pain and feel safe again/ Psychological trauma can leave you struggling with upsetting emotions, memories, and anxiety that won't go away. It can also leave you feeling numb, disconnected, and unable to trust other people."

When something is humiliating or deeply disappointing . . . if someone is being deliberately cruel . . . this can have more of an effect on your psyche, than people may think. 

And in this case, my case. It became white vs black.

As artists, we learn how to put our feelings on the dance floor, how to escape our reality through dance, how to ignore our feelings, not talk about them or share them because it makes us look weak . . . it's unprofessional, it makes us appear sad, a Debbie Downer, we begin to ruin our reputation. When in actuality, as artists, we have all been through some distressing events, some disappointing events that have changed us, unconsciously inspired us, made us dance even harder, made us work on our bodies with intense intention, cause us to move to another state .  . . whether it be rejection from an audition, rejection from our peers, becoming isolated because the pressure to keep dancing and updating our social media pages,  gain followers and the need for outside validation; Validation is what makes us feel that our work is accepted, that our work is valued, that who we are is ok. When in all actuality, past trauma causes our insecurities to come to the forefront. We never heal from our past trauma enough to really stand in our truth and maneuver in a way that is authentic. We are conditioned to forget our own feelings, prove people wrong by saying "f*** it," cutting them off or just putting up the next video of our choreography or how we smashed someone else's class. 

But deep inside . . . we are all hurting & unhealed by some form of trauma.

What I experienced recently were these ***emotional and psychological symptoms: 

• shock, denial, disbelief
• difficulty concentrating
• anger, irritability, mood swings
• anxiety and fear
• guilt, harm, self-blame
• withdrawing from others
• feeling sad and hopeless
• feeling disconnected and numb

And these ***physical symptoms:

• Insomnia 
• Fatigue
• racing heartbeat
• edginess and agitation
• muscle tension

For the past 4 months, these are the symptoms that I've been experiencing; Lots of anxiety and self-blame. Being un-willfully let go from a job that I really cared about and parts of it that brought me pure joy: teaching, I've shut down. I've allowed for another white entity, institution, company, to take away my power. And this is what unfortunately happens in the dance world. As black women, we are always seen as negative or "not like them." Our talents, our strengths, our value is used for the time needed, but once we stand our ground and speak up for ourselves . . . we are immediately dismissed. White fragility and or Masaginy comes into play; there is a true unwillingness and lack of understanding. Is there even an implementation of doing the work? They just want things to be easy for them. 

Feeling devalued and hurt is an understatement for me. 

The ones in power get rid of us, toss us to the side, try to taint our names because of their lack of humility; their actions are only performative, in a general sense. And the ones who are passive and subservient, are welcomed and safe to be who they are. The stronger you are as a black woman, the more disliked you become. So what happens . . . you begin to sit in your pain because the psychological trauma that was caused, eats away at you, while the white community continues to thrive without consciously showcasing accountability. 

· · ·

For the first time in my life, I felt empowered (& scared) to speak up in my community. I wrote an Open Letter and beforehand, I tried to reach out to peers, other teachers, dancers . . . to share my story, hear their stories . . .  BUT, it was met with silence, an unwillingness, unawareness, and the inability/desire to act. 

White institutions/entities/companies fail to see their effect on us: the microaggressions, the manipulation, the false accusations, their condescending behavior, their judgment, their inability to help us feel safe. And all of this is on top of what our lives have been like in this country, plus in our own homes. Most will act like they care, but they do not care. 

Why?

As minorities . . . we have to be silent. We have to silence our voices. We have to not "burn bridges." We have to just let go and move on. We have to be like them. We are conditioned to be obedient, not to make good trouble.

Why?

We lose our opportunities. 

In a small way, Integrity is lost, while being submissive becomes thee answer.

I loss support in my community when I spoke up and when I decided to protect my own space; I've lost how to trust people. 

I was treated unfairly at various dance entities, and the psychological trauma that I've endured has changed me not only as a person but also as an artist. I haven't healed yet.

My hope is for these entities and others like, to begin to do the work! Understand the harm that they cause and are causing/teaching their community. To begin to treat everyone with respect and transparency. To not dismiss and ignore us. To truly hold themselves accountable. 

Unfortunately for us (POC), we never get the apologies that we deserve. There needs to be yet another conversation . . . 

~ deeply ❤

***Source: HelpGuide.org -  Lawrence Robinson Melinda Smith M.A., Jeanne Segal, Ph.D. 

grace

“The worst betrayal is the betrayal to yourself”

“Grace is when you can put your hand on that person for just a min...an energy goes through you and calms them down” 

“Grace is a power that comes in to change a moment to something better.”

“I hold myself accountable” 

4/13/21

12:35am

the break in we

(written 3/4/21)

To grow apart is a growing edge 

A growing edge, I don’t wanna start 

The start of end 

The length in start 

The art that came 

The tears grew pain 

The pain grew scars 

The scars not healed

The healing’s now 

The art of thou...

Thou are not that

That one you shun

Thou are not that 

Thou are not 

That 

——-

What is it called when art comes from pain? When words just flow...

movement flows...

Your brain being programmed for pain? A previous once told me this, some years back. My combat was...I joke around all the time, I laugh all the time. I just can’t create when I’m happy. 

I’d rather go out an live life when I’m happy. 

——

He IS my inspiration, my motivation in frustration 

——

You can’t force something that the universe wants you to let go~

~deeply out 🖤