TRANSITION

my takeaways . . . 

quotes by Pastor Touré Roberts

Protocals of Transition

• You gotta let what's dead be dead .  . . agree with the killing
• Be dead to it because it's dead to you
• You also have to move, you gotta keep movin - 
• Move towards what's next. Things that belong to you that can only be activated when you step on it . . . in the direction of your movement. Go get them. 
• There is always danger in transition

 

You have to disqualify people in your transition season. 

Sometimes you have to reject the wisdom of the lovers (blinded by their love)

"you love me too much to speak into my life accurately"

Sometimes you savor limited perspective. 

• Sensitive in your spirit
• You will always have enemies who want to fight

(5/5/21)

deeply out ❤

It's about POWER . . .

I never thought that sharing my story would take so much out of me and from me. Meaning . . . sleepness nights to obsessive thoughts to loads of anxiety to guilt, to feeling supported to feeling unsupported to losing my community to feeling empowered, wanting to make a difference...not just for me, but to be A leader for others with "unheard voices."

Many think I'm a bitch, highly emotional, super confrontational, negative energy, DRAMA, the list goes on . . . and yes, I am all of those things, BUT these traits are NOT all that I am. I am a leader, an educator. . . I like to joke around, I'm supportive, I'm empathic, I love hard, and I care. Yes, I exist in/from my past unhealed trauma;  I've worked and maintained my life independently for most of my life, having to pretty much rely solely on myself, learn from the mistakes I made along the way (like most), maneuver in a space where my past experiences in dance + my anger for my family has been triggered by those (friends) who have tried to be in my life. I don't deny my 'not so good attributes,' but I am human, always learning/reflecting and writing. 

Back to this entry . . . can a black woman really 'call out' the mistreatment of a successful white man, trying to hold him and his team accountable? Yes and No. He and his team will ignore her, treat her as though she is nothing, never did anything to contribute; she becomes labeled and ostracized. Without true support from her allies... the zeal I have in this so called fight, I do alone. And when I say alone, I don't mean without my best friend or without those who have shared their empathy, I'm stating in the context of allllllllllllll the peeps who think and also tell me that "it's time to move on and let it go." Yes, I do agree, but I also feel that I have a PURPOSE that I was gifted. Many would say, as well as myself that my purpose is and has always been teaching, but I see my purpose being much more than inspiring dancers within the classroom. I, now see my PURPOSE in fighting 'this' fight alone and showing people that it's OK to not conform, to be the Bitch that people think I am IF I am consciously trying to "get justice." Again, sharing my story was never about 'gossiping,' as one person shared with me or 'my bitterness of a friendship' ending . . . I wrote a letter stating FACTS. A letter that took me 2 months to write, 6 edits, lots of tears, a panic attack, feelings of loss (in so many capacities), and caused me to spiral into a deep depression. 

I have always been honest with my shit! I may not have manunered like others have or would, but that doesn't negate the fact that there is a lack in validity in my story. Some chose to read it, others did not, but some wanted to not 'bite the hand that fed them,' a successful white man, within their community. And there lies that problem. As artists, we exist in worlds where it is a 'faux pas,' to speak up. I wrote this on my facebook recently "Those in power stay protected, by those too afraid to go against the grain." Definitely as black people . . . we "know our place," as people in an industry that 'saving face' aka being cordial and fake at times, is the norm . . . most choose this road, to not ruffle any feathers, regardless of how they are feeling. Most, do not want to get in "good trouble." 

I guess . . . I'm that person. 

----

You may think it doesn't still pain me to call out someone who used to be A friend? Hell yes it does! I miss the community that once accepted me, the students I inspired within that community, the genuine people I met . . .  But the choice to ignore me and dismiss me speaks more about this white man's character than mine. Did he notice truth in my story, did he not want to deal with it, did he ONLY want to stay in POWER??? I think yes to the questions laid out. It's about a white man in power. Showcasing accountability would show people: he was human and that he makes mistakes TOO and that . . . no white man wants to admit to his community . . . nor in the world, we live in. 

Think about it.

----

If you don't follow . . . here's the story  I'm referring to. 

deeply out ❤

. . . for a reason

 

Tragedy from heartbreak.

 

More so, the heartbreak that inspires creativity.

 

The sucky thing about this is . . . Why do we have to go through something in order for us to become our most creative selves? Why does it come down to the point where you're in the midst of tragedy? 

Speaking for myself. . . I can write more. I can journal more. I can create pieces, dance pieces that are worth acknowledging . . . why do I feel like the tragedy that I have, the feeling of heartbreak that I feel. . . "Is for a reason?"

 

Yes, everything happens for a reason. We've heard that cliche time and time over and over again. But maybe it is though.

It's hard to really accept that. Everything happens for reason, but when you're in the midst of that reason, it's hard to accept - That reason. Why did that happen to me? Why did that have to happen? Why did it go so far? Why? Why? Why? Why, why, why am I not OK yet? Why are THEY ok? Why am I in this place . . . God? (for my believers)

 

I did my best. I tried my best. I tried my hardest. I received the positivity. I worked hard at it. I never thought that I would experience the place that I'm in right now. But my writing has gotten stronger. 

Maybe it was a story I needed to tell . . .

And in order to tell that story, I needed to go through everything that has happened for a reason.

 

the B in the A

The beauty in the ashes...

...such an interesting phrase 

it’s twofold: we all know what beauty is 

we can walk down the street and just see some flowers blooming, the sun is shining people are outside sitting in the park, everybody just living their lives and feeling good about themselves 

then you know what the ashes are 

the ashes are  those dark moments, those dirty moments, those moments that you don’t wanna show people 

BUT what’s great about this phrase is that beauty in the ashes to me means that you are able to take a negative situation and turn it into a positive situation

as hard as it is to change your focus into believing yourself again and not think that you have failed but knowing that 

"No, this happened for a reason" 

what's hard is. . . understanding what that reason is for you

- to focus on yourself 

- your self-care 

- focus on your own business

- not give your talents away 

- to see where your anger is coming from 

- to see how passionate you 

- to inspire other people to speak up for themselves 

- to acknowledge that you didn’t make all the right decisions 

- to hold your own self accountable on some shit 

there is beauty in there

Beauty in the ashes such a beautiful phrase

4/18/21

6:28pm

what CHAPTER are you in?

 BACK IN CHICAGO: 

This is technically CHAPTER 9 😮😳🤯🧐

As I looked back at my physical moves (location wise). I must say...

THIS Chapter is just as/probably more challenging than residing in PA, LA, & NY combined. THIS chapter is about “endings,” accepting change, & most definitely understanding relationships (of all forms - past & present). 

It’s like life is preparing me for this new pivotal age (coming to fruition December 2021). What I haven’t been prepared for is...my drastic health changes & the loneliness. 

THIS chapter = reDefining myself/searching for my place in the world. 

All this to say...WHAT CHAPTER ARE YOU IN? 

#moveDIPR 

~deeply out 🖤

GROWTH is . . .

. . . when you can say: I'm not like them & that's ok. 

. . . when you can acknowledge that you fffd up in the past & still believe that you are more than your last mistake.

. . . when you can set aside time in your day to reconnect, to honor your spirit, your worth, and just breathe.

. . . when you can look at an enemy's name, mourn the past & have no lingering thoughts. You breathe again.

. . . when you can legit catch yourself when the 'old you' begins to service.

. . . when you can see the good in everyone, even when they don't see it in you.

. . . when you can begin receiving the good, the paise & know that you ARE valuable.

. . . when you have nothing to prove, but you continue learning & continue supporting.

. . . when you can decide who you WANT to support, not who you think you should.

. . . when being an outsider is your strength because you have created your own lane.

. . . when you are now more aware of what being alone is for and why it has been so important to your journey.

. . . when the person you are the most connected with comes back! - They see you and they hear you now - after any BS you've been through together.

. . . when you choose to not be linked to a certain individual, just because everyone else is.

. . . when you've reached the "age of no return" and have finally decided that your emotions are valid and your choices are your own. FUCK the ones who never gave you a chance, gave you the time, nor wanted to engage in adult conversation.

. . . when (if you're like me), you understand that Family isn't always your blood. You can create your own family >>> FRIENDS. (& the fewer the better lol)

. . . when you finally receive a role that you are confident that you can take on and you are doing a great job at it.

. . . when you can have a role that gives you much access, but you're choosing to not be shady and merely do your job. 

. . . when those you look up to, trust YOU. 

. . . when you can say what you mean, mean what you say and honor your word. 

. . . when NO amount of hate, dislike, or "she's so negative" can keep you from being an artist and sharing your ART! 

. . . when you can say to yourself, there's nothing more I can do with that person or relationship, it is what it is. 

. . . when you can say: I know I did nothing wrong. I will no longer blame myself. (for that particular situation)

. . . when you can continuously and apologetically take accountability. 

--------------

GROWTH is a process. Growth will continue to be a process. And I myself, I'm not completely healed yet, but I'm working on it - I am allowing for growth to happen. 

Pops of the past may come up, but I'm trying to stay present and find forgiveness for myself. <<< this is GROWTH. 

~ deeply out ❤

photo credit: The Female Lead

A NEW YEAR?!?! is upon us...

We’re always faced with the toughest challenges once we begin to make changes & a new year is upon us...

It’s like I need to hibernate and stay within my meditative practice all day every damn day, in order to create a bubble around myself or a force field, so that nothing has the chance to affect my mental space or emotional state. 

Because DAMN! 

I put out info re: a D • TOX experience, but tbh I need to make it at least the whole entire month of December so that my protective armor has been formed and all the SHIT that has been affecting me the whole damn year can melt off...like the sun melts off the winter in spring. 

I have turned into an icy bitch! Not cold to the touch or cold in my demeanor, but it’s cold outside and it’s like when the winter hits...October on...shit hits the MF fence! It’s like life is in a complete retrograde and maybe it is and I just don’t know...

Friendships be falling apart, peeps be acting up, peeps be shady, peeps be crazy, I be crazy, peeps be...WTF! Jobs be scarce or gigs coming to an end...& I’m like really? Not in less than a week into the new year. Smh 

So what does this all mean? Layers are coming off...the peeps you don’t need, the jobs you don’t need, you don't need the non-existent gigs that make you recalibrate your life choices, you legit start hiding from the world, you drink more...wine, maybe a lil whiskey or brandy more. You just start doing some off the cuff shit and you’re like...was that me???

Oh and self-reflection is a bitch! You get all in your head and start feeling like shit. Did you shower today? Nope. Did you eat today? Nope. Did even open your blinds yet. Nope. Are you still under the covers? Yes. Here’s the kicker... Are you decompressing from your last disagreement, so you don’t do more damage? 

Well...

Back to the ‘icy bitch.’ Icy I am not. Can I be a BITCH? Yes. But! I’m working on it and just because the universe knows that I’m working on it...I get tested 2day! Did I pass the test? No I did not. 

What’s this blog entry really about???

Layers come off and shit hits the fan before the new year, so we gotta get ready earlier. We gotta figure out what our protective armor is gonna be and last question...how do you stay sane, without paying for therapy. 

Me? 

I meditate.

I write. 

I might even reflect...once the ice has melted. 

~ deeply out ❤

SHIT! my heart is hurt

 some

some make you feel like you're the worst person in the world for the mistakes you made in the past

some

some make you . . . no one makes you right?

I'm not allowed to say that right?

make me

no one can make you do and feel anything

ok

the catalyst to my current feelings

the feelings I've had all night since I read his message

some people

some people act like you're the only one

the only one in this . . . used to be friendship

we used to be . . .

friends

some 

some people make you feel 

like I said before

I say that cause I can

some people make you

ok, cause you to . . . 

that may be better

cause you to feel . . . like shit!

I'm not shit, but I feel like shit!

some people

some people don't forgive

some people forget

I don't forget . . . 

friendship

I remember friendship

what do you remember in your last . . . idk, encounter with someone that caused you to feel . . .

like shit!

some people smh

some people make me write, cause me to write

some people, meaning 1

1 in particular in this entry

but there's been many 1's that 

make/caused me to feel like shit!

I'm not shit!

I've done shitty things . . . at times

but, I'm NOT shit!

He didn't need to capitalize for emphasis

that last message got me

caught me by the throat

I suffocated for a moment . . . 

on the ???

bus, then train

staring off in space

did that just happen?

did I

reach out

AGAIN

I did

but NEVER again

the word never was capitalized twice in this message to me

I lost my breath for a moment

some people, meaning 1 

I don't understand

am I thee only one

who understands that

I'm not shit!

I feel like shit! though

tried and it didn't/never worked

what?

reconciliation.

It barely exists for me

I feel like shit!

do you feel like ?

you don't understand . . . 

shit!, some people, make, cause, message, NEVER again . . . 

SHIT!

~ deeply out ❤

the desire

(written on Dec 1st)

I want

I want to be somebody

I want to be 

I want

I want to - not be

I want

I want someone

I want

I want to see me

I want

I want someone to see me

I want

I never want...

what I have

but...I want

I want to see

I want to

I want me

I want 

I want to know

I want to show

...something that is me

I want to be...

special 

I want 

. . . 

so I write

I write when I'm not having a good day

I write when I feel alone

I write when I'm drinking alone, in the middle of the day

looking out the window... 

to the sunshine, I don't feel 

I write

I write because I want to be someone . . . one day

someone who has

someone who is

someone who ain't . . . that

someone of value

someone of prestige

someone people admire

someone people see

seen

not unseen

not the braille on my chest

conflict 

conflict messaging

conflicting messages 

in distortion 

I write

I write in my feelings

I write to calm down

I write to move forward

...to get through the day

I write    to     accept     ME

all that I am

I write

and I write 

and I write

enough said.