SEEN

It's so interesting how much constant experiences of trauma can effect your psyche. From my last encounter, I've started to notice how the smallest things make me fearful or cause me to get irritated. For example, why would sending and receiving emails scare me? 

Because 

the last experiences have been: feeling ignored, invaluble, WRONG, and honestly . . . unloved. And I'm not talking about the quick email bites like following up with someone or spam, or email lists you need to unsucribe from . . . but the emails you've sent to people you either loved or to people you shared your voice with, having to state your case and speak up for yourself.

I'm scared to check my emails. This is not ok. How do you heal from something like that? By blocking, deleting? 

I used to tell myself that I held onto emails, texts and pictures because I was a 'memory hoarder,' but it's actually because It's my evidence . . . that I tried. 

I've read this book called Welcome Home by Najwa Zebian, that shares how we become homeless when we look to find our homes in other people. Within this context it means that I'm always looking at myself as being unlovable and unworthy because that's how IIIIIIIIIIII allowed people to make me feel. It's not that I can't be hurt or feel the pain, but it's that I've given every single person who has "given up on me," the power to define who I am - for me. 

All this to say, trauma is not always physical. My trauma has always be psychological. The fear of checking my emails and merely walking from my seclusion (apt) to the train station, makes me feel seen; Trauma makes you not want to be seen.

When I send an email, I'm seen.

When I walk outside, I'm seen.

When I'm on social media, where people can find my profiles, I'm seen. 

When I go to work, I'm seen. 

Because of trauma . . . I don't want to be seen. 

~ deeply out ❤

#mentalhealthawareness