One situation can completely change your life!
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Others don't see your situation like you do. Many tell you to just move on . . . "you don't need him. you don't need them. You can find something else."
"It's time to let go."
Letting go and moving on is a process . . . especially when you've experienced trauma.
Now, ***trauma comes in many forms:
- Acute - single stressful or a dangerous event
- Chronic - repeated or prolonged exposure
- Complex - exposure to multiple traumatic events
The one that I would like to bring awareness to is Acute: Psychological Trauma. ***"When bad things happen, it can take a while to get over the pain and feel safe again/ Psychological trauma can leave you struggling with upsetting emotions, memories, and anxiety that won't go away. It can also leave you feeling numb, disconnected, and unable to trust other people."
When something is humiliating or deeply disappointing . . . if someone is being deliberately cruel . . . this can have more of an effect on your psyche, than people may think.
And in this case, my case. It became white vs black.
As artists, we learn how to put our feelings on the dance floor, how to escape our reality through dance, how to ignore our feelings, not talk about them or share them because it makes us look weak . . . it's unprofessional, it makes us appear sad, a Debbie Downer, we begin to ruin our reputation. When in actuality, as artists, we have all been through some distressing events, some disappointing events that have changed us, unconsciously inspired us, made us dance even harder, made us work on our bodies with intense intention, cause us to move to another state . . . whether it be rejection from an audition, rejection from our peers, becoming isolated because the pressure to keep dancing and updating our social media pages, gain followers and the need for outside validation; Validation is what makes us feel that our work is accepted, that our work is valued, that who we are is ok. When in all actuality, past trauma causes our insecurities to come to the forefront. We never heal from our past trauma enough to really stand in our truth and maneuver in a way that is authentic. We are conditioned to forget our own feelings, prove people wrong by saying "f*** it," cutting them off or just putting up the next video of our choreography or how we smashed someone else's class.
But deep inside . . . we are all hurting & unhealed by some form of trauma.
What I experienced recently were these ***emotional and psychological symptoms:
- shock, denial, disbelief
- difficulty concentrating
- anger, irritability, mood swings
- anxiety and fear
- guilt, harm, self-blame
- withdrawing from others
- feeling sad and hopeless
- feeling disconnected and numb
And these ***physical symptoms:
- Insomnia
- Fatigue
- racing heartbeat
- edginess and agitation
- muscle tension
For the past 4 months, these are the symptoms that I've been experiencing; Lots of anxiety and self-blame. Being un-willfully let go from a job that I really cared about and parts of it that brought me pure joy: teaching, I've shut down. I've allowed for another white entity, institution, company, to take away my power. And this is what unfortunately happens in the dance world. As black women, we are always seen as negative or "not like them." Our talents, our strengths, our value is used for the time needed, but once we stand our ground and speak up for ourselves . . . we are immediately dismissed. White fragility and or Masaginy comes into play; there is a true unwillingness and lack of understanding. Is there even an implementation of doing the work? They just want things to be easy for them.
Feeling devalued and hurt is an understatement for me.
The ones in power get rid of us, toss us to the side, try to taint our names because of their lack of humility; their actions are only performative, in a general sense. And the ones who are passive and subservient, are welcomed and safe to be who they are. The stronger you are as a black woman, the more disliked you become. So what happens . . . you begin to sit in your pain because the psychological trauma that was caused, eats away at you, while the white community continues to thrive without consciously showcasing accountability.
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For the first time in my life, I felt empowered (& scared) to speak up in my community. I wrote an Open Letter and beforehand, I tried to reach out to peers, other teachers, dancers . . . to share my story, hear their stories . . . BUT, it was met with silence, an unwillingness, unawareness, and the inability/desire to act.
White institutions/entities/companies fail to see their effect on us: the microaggressions, the manipulation, the false accusations, their condescending behavior, their judgment, their inability to help us feel safe. And all of this is on top of what our lives have been like in this country, plus in our own homes. Most will act like they care, but they do not care.
Why?
As minorities . . . we have to be silent. We have to silence our voices. We have to not "burn bridges." We have to just let go and move on. We have to be like them. We are conditioned to be obedient, not to make good trouble.
Why?
We lose our opportunities.
In a small way, Integrity is lost, while being submissive becomes thee answer.
I loss support in my community when I spoke up and when I decided to protect my own space; I've lost how to trust people.
I was treated unfairly at various dance entities, and the psychological trauma that I've endured has changed me not only as a person but also as an artist. I haven't healed yet.
My hope is for these entities and others like, to begin to do the work! Understand the harm that they cause and are causing/teaching their community. To begin to treat everyone with respect and transparency. To not dismiss and ignore us. To truly hold themselves accountable.
Unfortunately for us (POC), we never get the apologies that we deserve. There needs to be yet another conversation . . .
~ deeply ❤
***Source: HelpGuide.org - Lawrence Robinson Melinda Smith M.A., Jeanne Segal, Ph.D.
