SIT WITH IT

 I never understood why people gave up on their passions. Why people stopped posting, stopped showing up . . . when they said: 'I haven't (fill in the blank) in years!' 

As a teacher, I would kinda dismiss those comments and feelings, say that it didn't matter how long it's been. My classes required a lot. I expected a lot. I was living in my own bubble for a while. SMH I just went day to day, project to project, rehearsal to rehearsal, creating in my small bedrooms, and then excited to share with my students. However . . . 

In the space that I'm currently in, I've truly realized how people could fade away, how people could remove themselves from their community, how people could start to live different lives entirely. Saying to yourself. . . 

I used to be someone . . . important.

When life becomes unbearable and shifts in ways that you never imagined, you feel yourself fighting everyone and everything, more importantly, fighting for yourself . . . alone.  You become stuck. You grow distant. You cut people off because you feel triggered or threatened in thinking they aren't for you, you're overly conscious of your own safety. You start to lose yourself, despite "friends" and supporters telling you how much you changed their life, despite how they tell you that - you have a purpose, despite trying to convince yourself that you do have a purpose; Despite...

other             people's          faith        in        you

...

I now know that your past or current traumas can heavily influence the path you're on. And as much as you know that you should be more productive, sometimes you just can't. 

Even with experiencing FOMO, you become numb in believing in your own value, in understanding what to do in this moment. Fear of moving forward, understanding your invisibility. Asking yourself if your voice really matters. ???

Its also the decision if you should be visible elsewhere . . . social media and amongst the community you grew up in. Pretty much hiding away in plain sight, but really physically hiding away. 

To all those people I dismissed when they said: I haven't done (fill in the blank) in years . . . Forgive me, I now understand. 

...

The quote below resonated with me the other day and I'd like to share it with you:

"Grief wasn't done with me. . . You gotta take time to feel it all. Don't let it chase you. Sit with it. Listen to it. Respect it. It's the only way to survive it." ~ Remy: Queen Sugar, S1

#sitwithit

~deeply out ❤